We're back where we left off last week with the classic TV cliffhanger of whether or not Nick gives Raven her first orgasm in the Fantasy Suite. They wake up together, disheveled.
Raven confirms that she came: "Nick is really good at what he does, so I'm really satisfied today."
Next comes one of the most horrifying sequences I've ever seen on the show. There is an orgasm song and dance where Raven celebrates coming.
Erika sums this sequence up best: "I feel chilled to the bone by that."
Next-Bachelorette-Rachel's Fantasy Suite Date
Rachel jumps into Nick's arms and she seems to jump 1000 feet in the air. Rachel: "It's like being in Narnia."
They do the worst part of skiing—the horizontal part.
Nick: "Look, behold!" Rachel looks like Waldo. Rachel: "I still have a hard time accepting the fact that I am here."
Nick looks so stupid with a little tuft of hair sticking out of his hat. Nick: "I’m scared too. We can be scared together."
Nick: "What’s your single biggest fear?" Rachel: "Rejection." Nick is satisfied that he will be making her biggest fear come true.
Rachel: "You’re rare and refreshing. That’s not normal." Nick with the most offensive quote of the century:
I might be white but I’m still a minority.
There is going to be SO much of this nonsense in her season. I am both terrified and more excited than I've ever been. Shaint Nick takes her on a ride on a shleigh. There's no shot of the whole sleigh so I assume the reindeer are covered in cameras. One on each horn.
Later that night, Rachel wears a crop top to traverse through the snow.
They enter a teepee of emotions in which Nick tries to get Rachel to tell him she loves him.
Nick: "The only way to have this whole thing work is to get out of your head."
Nick: "Be willing to have the strength to be a bit of a mess at some times... If you were to check your ego at the door what would you say?"
Nick drags it out of her. Rachel: "I'm falling in love with you."
RACHEL COVERS HERSELF WITH HER SWEATER.
Nick: "I’m falling 100 pershent."
Nick fucks Rachel.
The next morning...
Rachel wears a penguin onesie.
Nick picks up his little child and makes out with it.
Vanessa's Fantasy Suite
We hear weird fife music. Nick tilts his head to the side when he sees Vanessa. As the biggest Bachelor tool of all time, he vomits up a bunch of love metaphors. "Our physical relationship has always been hot and steamy... Falling in love is an enormous leap of faith, and so is jumping in freezing cold water."
All of Vanessa’s dates are some version of torture. This time she has to keep getting into freezing water with Nick and he is only wearing the tiniest little shorts. The post editors seem to have blurred out his "outlines."
Nick runs ahead of Vanessa into the sauna like a true gentleman. Nick: "I’ve asked a lot of Vanessa. I keep getting her out of her comfort zone... I want to be with someone I can get through things with."
Nick broke up with someone because the family got involved. Vanessa: "My core values are things that I don’t want to compromise on." Nick: There's "things in your life that you’re not willing to compromise on?"
Vanessa: "Dinner with family every Sunday night." Nick somehow has this as his follow-up question: "What if we’re too similar?"
Nick and Vanessa have a weirdly aggressive conversation about how they like winter.
Vanessa asks Nick about Canada. Nick: "Not to sound corny but I’m really proud to be an American." UGH YOU PIECE OF SHIT. Side note if Vanessa is the winner I can not see this relationship lasting.
Vanessa reads the Fantasy Suite Date Card.
Nick: "Thoughts?" That was exactly his quote with Rachel.
They go to the Fantasy Suite.
Vanessa: "I feel like the luckiest person in the world."
The Next Morning...
Are they naked? Vanessa: "I have an appreciation of who Nick is."
Vanessa: "My insecurity hasn’t come up until now... It does make me question whether I am good enough."
Nick ponders, Revenant-style.
Nick gives roses to Vanessa and Raven.
Nick takes Rachel to the Breakup Bachelorette Couch to discuss her dumping.
Ugh. Last Bachelor season we got a wonderful shot of Ben hugging both finalists at the same time. We don't get that this season. Just this shot of Raven and Vanessa wearing opposite dresses.
When Nick hands out his last rose of the season, he should have to throw it in a giant rotting pile of roses representing all the roses he's been a part of and burn them in a massive effigy.