Where to begin. Holy fucking train wreck.
The girls try to settle into "Normal life in the Bachelor Mansion." Lawyer Rachel hasn't slept. Canadian Hailey lives a nightmare and can only think "Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick" now. The girls do an early morning group cheer for Nick.
Lord Harrison calls them all in to give them another lecture on dem's the rules. Lord Harrison: "It is physically impossible for all of you to have dates each week" so they all need to savor every fucking last drop of their time with Nick.
He gives them their first group date card. The girls are still new to this process so they cheer on other girls getting dates. The first group called piss their pants, grab their extensions, and jump into awaiting Barbie cars outside the mansion.
Wedding Group Date
They arrive at a different mansion where an eccentric photographer, Franco, tells them they'll be doing a wedding-themed photoshoot wherein "he"/the producers have chosen wedding "characters" for them to portray that will bring out the most drama. Nick is INCREDIBLY lame at pitching the 'fun' group dates to the girls. He's just tired. He's been partying every night for three years.
The categories of costumes are types of Brides, Bridesmaids, and Brittany, who just gets a leafy bikini bottom because of how Adam and Eve are so closely tied to the idea of weddings...
Dolphin Alexis, this season's sacrificial class clown, gets Shotgun Wedding Bride. Alexis: "I had no idea what a shotgun wedding was. I thought I was gonna be like, hot and sexy with guns."
Tiffany Trump brags about how she's "full of number ones". She loudly pronounces she's going to kiss Nick again in front of Taylor. I finally figured out what TV character she's emulating. Stassi from Vanderpump Rules.
Corinne starts to freak out that Brittany's naked costume will outshine her.
Corinne: "Brittany is half naked and that's freaking me out. I feel like she looks so cute in the topless outfit. She better not steal my thunder or I will literally punch her in the face." Stassi HAS to be her inspiration for her weirdly violent threats.
This photoshoot is all about Nick getting to know the girls in a fun first date activity! Aka directly comparing the women for how hot they are in an ANTM-esque competition setting wherein they're forced to one-up each other's sexcapades to stand out! Franco encourages Sarah to get in Nick's crotch and says "somebody needs a little spanking."
Dolphin Alexis's shoot is a confusing tableau of literal shotguns and Nick doula-ing her.
A few of the girls are forced to dress as bridesmaids and jealously look on as Nick makes out with each bride.
Nick makes out with Nail-Salon-Danielle L right next to Camel Lacey. Lacey: "I'm literally right here."
The bridesmaids get sloppy seconds. Camel Lacey then kisses Nick: "Tastes like Danielle." Nick: "So weird."
Franco tells Nick and Taylor to kiss in a normal first date way that indicates "I knew you from before time."
Back at the Mansion...
They're editing Liz to come off very Swimfan. She coyly says, "I didn’t kiss him last night" to the girls. In her confessional: "I kissed him 9 months ago..."
Drink every time she says "Jade and Tanner’s Wedding". If I'm this Liz, I'm keeping that secret to myself as long as possible. When it blows up Nick will immediately have to decide whether to send her home.
Back at the Group Date...
Nick's milky thighs have emerged for their debut.
I feel like these semi-nude photoshoot group dates used to at least be done for some sort of good cause (not that exploiting people just for drama isn't a good cause).
Tiffany Trump scans this threat.
Brittany's finger lingers near Nick’s crotch during their photoshoot.
Brittany and Nick then make out.
All the girls cheer for Brittany and Nick making out... except for Tiffany Trump.
Tiffany Trump goes last and she will not be outdone. She takes Nick's top off.
She takes her own top off.
Next she makes Nick grab her tits in front of the rest of the girls in order to emulate Janet Jackson's Rolling Stone cover of course!
Franco and Tiffany Trump love it.
It should probably be noted that Nick is sexually harassed by all of the women during this date. Corinne forces Nick to grab her boobs and if the genders were reversed this wouldn't be so glossed over...
"Franco" picks Tiffany Trump as the winner of the photoshoot.
Evening Cocktail Hour
The girls are wondering if Nick is looking for someone who will "pop their tits out at any moment". Nick doesn't seem to be dissuading that idea.
He's barely present as he talks to the girls. He asks Raven rapid-fire questions, trying to get through her dating history as fast as possible. What happened? What did you learn? How did those experiences better you? OK TIME!
Tiffany Trump narrates how her time is most important. She says they are all there to "compete for Nick's time."
Tiffany Trump interrupts Taylor's time after already spending the most time with him this episode.
Barely there Nick acts like he's helpless in this circumstance once more.
Taylor walks off, pissed. Dolphin Alexis asks if Nick touched her bubble butt??
Taylor's untouched butt then gathers the gonads to steal Nick back from Corinne. Corinne is displeased.
Tiffany Trump draws the line at "re-interruptions".
Taylor tries to prove to Nick how observant she is of human nature: "I've noticed you, like, do this thing where like, you get a thought, and like, you kind of go with it, you know, like you're trying to like, get in the zone on, like, a certain topic. It's super attractive." Nick is asleep: "That's just who I am I suppose."
Later, just like Stassi, Tiffany Trump tries to pick a fight with Taylor when she's blacked out.
Tiffany Trump hilariously imitates Taylor to camera.
Then she goes into this long speech with the girls about how shit is going to be super awkward in this process.
The girls are pretty silent. Nick GIVES ROSE TO CORINNE YES. I love when they fall for the villain a la Ben Flajnik.
They must've asked a now super-blacked out Corinne: "would your Dad be proud?"
Corinne tries to explain her winning process to the girls: "I was just Corinne. XOXO Gossip Girl." Raven: "If he leads with sexuality, no wonder it's his fourth time." Hahahaaaaa yesssss girls are starting to realize they are almost ALL too good for him!!
The Next Day Back at the Mansion
Tiffany Trump brags to Camel Lacey more about her connection with Nick.
Corinne: "When I was talking to him, he was like listening. Guys don't listen to me."
Danielle M. One-on-One Date
Sweet Nurse Danielle M. gets the first one-on-one date.
She has the same silly high-pitched voice as Maria Bamford in Lady Dynamite.
Nick: "Cheers to not being at the mansion today." FREEDOM FOR A DAY.
People being nice normal human beings without drama? MUST CUT TO:
Back to the Mansion...
One-Night-Stand-Liz finally tells Kourtney Kardashian/Christen about her history with Nick.
Christen is shocked.
She says they were super drunk and it was super awkward which we all know means there was a lot of limp-mashing.
Back to the One-on-One...
Danielle M. basically asks Nick why he's done this four times. Nick gleefully recounts his history, again bragging about making it to the final two.
Danielle M. then shares her story of finding her fiance dead who had overdosed on drugs when she didn't even know he was an addict.
Nick responds in a horrible way: "Not only do I not think less of you but I admire you a lot more now, having learned about your past. I don't think you should ever feel embarrassed about that because you obviously loved him and I'm sure he loved you. I wouldn't forget about the good things. The way he made you feel that made you feel special. Um and I think those are important feelings to hold on to because you should try to replicate that, um, in future relationships."
Did she say she was embarrassed? Why the fuck would he ever comment on it like that?
Why is Nick condescendingly telling her what to do in future relationships? Nick gives her the rose in exchange for her tragic story and they go on a ferris wheel.
Danielle M deserves someone so much better than Nick. Nick deserves... Corinne?
Break-up Museum Group Date
Nick has the smarmiest smile of all time as he greets the girls.
Then he tries to give it his all to look excited.
They go to what has to be one of the worst date spots ever, The Museum of Broken Relationships. It's an extremely depressing museum where people leave shit of someone who dumped them. They put Nick's ring he picked out for Kaitlyn in one of the cases with a dead rose just for this scene.
Nick avoids eye contact with One-Night-Stand-Liz during this date and Christen notices. He responds to her with one word answers and then walks away from her.
Next they all see a "couple" "fight."
Kris Jenner then tells them they're going to put on small plays where each girl breaks up with Nick.
I wish to LORD HARRISON someone would take this opportunity to actually break up with him and take him down a few notches. Nick fails to go along with Astrid's premise that he gave her a rose previously, breaking improv's number one rule to "Yes, and".
Nick responds to the girls with LAME AF jokes. Dental Hygienist Kristina: "I care about your oral health." Nick: "SO wanted to take that somewhere."
Jaimi complains about Nick's theoretical facial hair strands on the sink. Nick: "You said you liked it." All of Nick's responses are so ugh. He is the worst.
Christen describes how she blow dried her hair for their date night. Nick: "Finally you’re starting to take care of yourself."
JOSEPHINE SLAPS NICK. Bahahahha. I wish they'd all actually break up with him in this manner in a line right after each other.
Christen is winning the award for best reaction shots.
One-Night-Stand-Liz is somehow last and she chooses this moment to publicly out Nick for their past. Nick keeps looking away and Liz calls him out.
Christen: "My jaw was dropped."
Nick rolls his eyes at her.
Jaimi is confused: "Liz really went into her storyline. Wait is she breaking up with him or what?"
Christen is so endearing: "This is crazy but like, life and love is crazy so..."
Liz finishes her ambiguous breakup. For a second I think she's ACTUALLY leaving and I'm proud of her and womankind. Nope.
Why would Liz choose this forum to out herself? Now I can't stop picturing a producer goading her into doing that.
Nick starts to get paranoid that Liz has told some of the girls their secret.
Group Date Cocktail Hour
Nick spends time with each woman but the show cuts off all the women's dialogue in response to his questions to keep airing his voiceover being worried about Liz.
Nick asks the women canned questions: "You know about my history. What about yours?" The only woman's answer we get to hear for a while is Jaimi's.
Nick: "...Am I competing with the other women?" That would be hilarious if they put a secret hot lesbian in the mix.
Christen brings up the Liz situation with Nick and he worriedly tries to figure out how much information is out there.
Christen tells Nick that Liz told her they had sex.
Nick begins nervously scratching his neck. "I didn't know that."
Christen tries to recover their conversation and is like I'm glad we can move forward honestly in our own relationship now although Nick's head is way the fuck somewhere else at this point.
I love that Nick has to tell everyone now!! Ahahaha. Nick is panicking.
In Nick's confessional, he wonders if Liz is using their one-night-stand as an excuse to be on TV.
Nick and Liz finally talk.
My friend points out that if you took a shot every time "Jade and Tanner’s Wedding" was said you’d be dead at this point.
Liz says she doesn't like telephones, she knew he was off shooting Paradise, and she didn't want to give off the wrong impression. Nick: "I was in Paradise for a month." Nick: "The more I talk to Liz, the less she makes sense."
Nick: "I had a great time."
But he tells her he's gotten the clarity he needs, doesn't see a future, and it's best for "both of them" if she goes home right this minute.
It would be hilarious if he breaks up with Christen immediately for damage control and keeps his secret hidden. He tells the women he sent Liz home though.
TO BE CONTINUED. GOD DAMNIT.
Upcoming Scenes: are you looking for a wife? Are you looking for someone to fuck around with?
Tag: Alexis and Nick celebrate the one-year-anniversary of her getting her tits done. Nick calls Dolphin Alexis's boobs something a non-serial killer would also call them: "Fresh Young Babies."
Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase