By: Lizzy Pace
Alas, the end is nigh but at least we get to see Nick's response to Vanessa about his romantic intentions. We're back where we left off, with Vanessa questioning Nick why Tiffany Trump was dry-humping him in the Bouncy Castle of Sluts while the other girls were all having their Purity Fest Pool Party.
We hear Vanessa repeat her "Are you looking for a wife or someone to fuck around with" line. Vanessa: "I don't want to waste my time." Nick: "Liikeeee, I don't know."
Vanessa tries to use her modicum of rose power to make Nick take her plea more seriously: "I give a shit enough to give you back the rose."
Nick says a bunch of nothing: "I hope you don't... I mean, as far as Corinne, I mean, I like, I don't want to sit there and make excuses like-- you know what I mean?"
Nick has studied this fucking show to a tee. He's got the standard responses to women's concerns memorized and continues phoning it the fuck in: "I've been in your situation before. ... Like, um, I want you to share these things with me and let me know when you're pissed off and mad and you want to hit me in the face... I very much give a shit about what you say and think about me and my actions. Just try and be a little bit more patient, um, especially about Corinne, you know?"
He's not even responding to her. There's no, "sorry I made you uncomfortable" or "I'll try to be more sensitive to this". Just, "thanks for your feedback, I take it all into consideration."
Vanessa completely misreads his response and thinks that he's going to get rid of Tiffany Trump now.
Everyone else is also having a group meeting about how pissed off they are about Corinne. Constable Taylor is annoying the shit out of me. Taylor (SMUG AF): "Corinne has a plethora of issues-- the sexual aggressiveness, not to mention her blatant disrespect and zero maturity."
Astrid: "He likes her and like, that's why we're all intimidated." I am Team Astrid.
Lord Harrison crashes the party and says it's time for them to get ready for the Rose Ceremony. They should have to do the Rose Ceremony in their bikinis. Nick thanks the girls for all their honesty and shit that he's going to disregard due to horniness and the producers' picks.
Basketball Dancer Jasmine re: Tiffany Trump: "Where is she?" Why does she have to be there after she's already talked to him?
We see she's napping.
Sarah and Constable Taylor then decide to confront Corinne in her bed about her bad girl behavior: "so, we're going to tell it to you real."
Sarah brings up how the "bouncy house situation hasn't looked the best. To you it might not seem like a big deal, because you think things are OK with you and Nick." Taylor: "It's a feeling of being disrespected." Sarah: "You need to do yourself a favor right now and you need to pull it together. We who live with you think that it's you being entitled."
Tiffany Trump: "I'm not privileged in any way, shape, or form." Taylor to camera: "Corinne, yeah, you do have some privilege, and you have a fucking nanny."
Corinne: "I'm very like, annoyed at this moment. You know I've come to an agreement with myself, like 'Listen, you're not everyone's cup of tea.'"
Corinne is stepping it up this episode with her Corinnisms.
Corinne: "Why are Taylor and Sarah so obsessed with me? I don't know. I never will know. Get over it. You do you. You go, girl. Imma do me."
During break, Nick is in a commercial with the SEXY-AS-HELL Priyanka Chopra in which he insinuates that she would want to crash this season to be one of his contestants. LOLOLOL.
ROSE CEREMONY #1
Lord Harrison: "We GOT to talk about Corinne."
Ugh Nick is such a politician: "Um, I appreciate that a lot of the women express themselves." Reminds me of Trump's staffer's tweet.
They have this conversation while showing Tiffany Trump rubbing her eyes to remind us of all her sinful sleeping.
Corinne: "Like, let's not get our panties in a bundle over this."
Corinne: "Girls are haters, OK? I have a bunch of haters here."
Vanessa: "I think I'm just insulted for Nick by some of Corinne's actions."
Whitney gets a rose although she has yet to utter a single word on this show. Roses also go to most of Corinne's Haters.
Nick gives the final rose to Corinne. Someone out loud says, "Oh my God."
Constable Taylor has to pull Tiffany Trump back up on the riser.
Brittany is going home. So is Christen, who shoots Nick this NASTY look as she's leaving. Yeah, girl.
Brittany: "I always made fun of girls on this show who were crying and now I get it."
In Nick's post-rose-ceremony-cheers-speech, he tries to comfort the women about their fallen comrades: "Obviously that wasn't easy and I can see it obviously with all of you, just-- you know how close all of you are. And that -- that weirdly means a lot to me?"
Something wonderful happens. Tiffany Trump cuts in. No girl has ever given an end of rose ceremony cheers speech before! Corinne: "Guys, hi."
Tiffany Trump: "I'm so excited to be here and I'm so happy."
We get a brief insert shot of Corinne to camera: "Now I get to make out with Nick for another week. Come and get it, Nick."
Then she grabs her tits.
Back to her speech to the ladies: "I just feel like we're all so privileged and honored to be here for you."
Tiffany Trump: "And I feel like we should just take every day as *sighs* just great. Don't let a moment go by where you feel like you're not gonna be yourself. This is an amazing opportunity to find love and I feel like we all deserve it. So cheers to that, guys!"
Tiffany Trump: "I love the taste of victory."
Constable Taylor is pissed and worried about a future altercation: "It's really hard for me to keep my mouth shut. "
The Next Day.....
Lord Harrison greets the girls and congratulates them for still being there: "You should take a lot of pride in that." Jesus Christ. He's got an announcement that it's time to pack their bags, for Nick's hometown of Milwaukee!
The ladies excitedly travel to Wisconsin, some of them as baggage.
Dolphin Alexis has the grace of 1000 dolphins.
The girls have essentially been in a prison up until now so they freak out at the change of scenery. They nonsensically scream off their new balcony, "Hello, Nick!"
Then they celebrate a beach that is not even warm. Losing it...
Nick greets his parents who look the exact same age as him.
Nick discusses his hopes and dreams with them.
Nick's Mom makes Nick cry about true love and finding his own woman he can impregnate constantly every year for 11 years.
Nick's Dad echoes Bachelor Nation's sentiments: "We don't want to see you on the show again."
Nick greets the women in WowKe$ha with his signature dumb fake excited look.
Nick plucks Danielle L out of the group to go on the first date, leaving the women to stand around confused with some ducks.
DANIELLE L ONE-ON-ONE PASTRY DATE
Nick takes Danielle to all the local places in his hometown that he fucked girls in like the library, "like I used to like, just make out with girls."
Nick is WowKe$ha's celebrity and the local pastry chef has made his face into a cookie.
Nick confirms rumors of his fetish for anthropophagy: "Do I get to eat myself?"
Nick and Danielle decorate cookies of each other.
Then they make the poptarts fuck each other.
Danielle L: "My god your tongue is black!"
Danielle L: "I can't wait to see what else in store." It's Nick's ex-girlfriend, who happens to be sitting in a shop window all mic'ed up. Danielle L is the ONLY one surprised by this encounter.
Nick: "This is so trippy." Amber: "Right?!"
Nick to Amber: "You look great. In a great way." He compliments women like he is bestowing them with value. Amber asks Danielle L: "Is there anything that's like, digging in you?"
Danielle L asks why Nick's still single and Amber says he follows his "heart" which said to dump her and go on reality TV. Then Nick and Danielle L go lay in wet grass. Nick tells Danielle L they are in the field he lost his virginity in but don't worry, not the exact same spot, because "that would be weird".
Danielle L talks about her first boyfriend and how she was "such a prude" for rejecting all his "great romantic gestures." Is that what prude means? Nick does his signature pull-the-girl-into his-clutches-via-her-arm-move.
Nick: "Are you really glad you're here?"
Nick slaps Danielle's haunch.
Later that night...
Nick tries to make sure that Danielle L has flaws. He asks one of his deal-breakers, "did you ever go grocery shopping in sweatpants?"
Nick: "Do you have any like, obvious flaws?"
Danielle L tells Nick that her only flaw is that she's heroically overcome the hardship of her parents' divorce. Nick gives her the rose and then tells her he has another surprise. ANOTHER EX?!
They walk through a crowd of adoring fans to a live concert.
Nick: "It was the most amazing feeling I've ever felt" and I 1000% believe him.
The singer wears the same jacket as Nick looks like if Nick had experimented a little in meth and gotten slightly electrocuted.
They make out in front of the crowd of women and Danielle's heart is a flutter.
FARM GROUP DATE
Back at the house, the rest of the women feign excitement for being on another group date.
The names leave off Raven which means she has the next One-on-One.
Raven is more excited that Tiffany Trump didn't get it than that she got it: "Everything is good in the world and everything makes sense now!"
The group date is super shitty. They're at a farm.
The girls "walk in" on Nick feeding a baby cow.
A terrifying man tells the women they will be doing farm chores.
We only get to see Tiffany Trump's negative reactions to this hellish premise.
Tiffany Trump: "I wouldn't even make my nanny Raquel do farm chores."
Nursing Student Josephine: "I have fed the cow!"
Nick is awkward AF trying to milk the cow. The girls ask if the teat is hard.
Jaimi's reaction is bizarre: "Nick, come on, haven't you handled some teats?"
Jaimi does it and excels and then admits she dreams about milking cows.
Astrid is clearly on the same page as Tiffany Trump but we don't get to hear her take for it would make Corinne seem less spoiled.
Next they shovel shit.
Tiffany Trump just wishes she was at a spa being fed a nice chicken taco or sushi.
Tiffany Trump goes and sits on a rock, complaining of her frozen fingers, "I can't move them."
Master of Metaphors, Sarah: "I don't know if it's the cow shit or the bull shit but I smell shit."
Tiffany Trump: "But I had a serious hand situation."
GROUP DATE COCKTAIL HOUR
Nick to Kristina: "You have such a zest for life... I love watching you."
Meanwhile, Tiffany Trump is "starting to get the vibe" that people don't like her. She eavesdrops, "I see you!"
Astrid: "We're seeing him potentially make a wrong decision."
Kristina: "If she were to make it to the end and have this kind of lifestyle, can she handle it?" God, I hope Tiffany Trump wins. I'm pretty sure Nick has almost the exact same lifestyle as her...
Tiffany Trump goes into a metaphor about how she's corn, "You got to peel the layers back. And then in the middle is this luxury, yellow corn, with all these little pellets of information. And it's juicy. Buttery. You want to get to that corn. Nick needs that corn."
Vanessa gives Nick a book of hot pictures of herself that her students made for him.
It reads: "Vanessa is beautiful" but she has other qualities...
Tiffany Trump confronts the group about the "comments and whispers." Sarah asks if she's ready "to marry a 36-year-old man" because when she sees her she "sees purple bouncy house."
Tiffany Trump: "I know that you were really upset about me falling asleep that day for some reason. I'm sorry for sleeping, guys."
Tiffany Trump: "Oh my God! Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. And I'm in trouble for napping?"
Corinne: "I don't think age has anything to do with being ready to get married at all. I had a stressful week that week. Me and Nick had a really fun time and I'm happy that I did that. And I wouldn't stay in an uncomfortable situation if I really didn't have feelings for Nick." Sarah: "I would do anything to be here. Like step through shit to be here."
Tiffany Trump: "I lost circulation in my fingers and I almost had to go to the hospital for it."
Kristina to Corinne: "There's gonna be a lot of negative comments about you... You were literally walking into a lion's den."
Tiffany Trump: "I had a very serious medical condition." Kristina: "I'm not stupid."
Tiffany Trump: "I had a panic attack, KRISTINA."
Corinne thinks Kristina is personally attacking her and she walks away. Corinne: "We're fighting for a fiance here, not a pickle."
Tiffany Trump tells Nick she had a good talk with the girls and there will never be problems again. Nick tells her he knows what it's like to "feel isolated" in a similar situation.
Tiffany Trump: "It was more of an adult convo, like we didn't kiss."
Kristina's zest for life gets her the group date rose.
RAVEN'S ROLLER SKATING ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Nick introduces Raven to his sister Bella and they help coach her soccer team.
Then he introduces her to his parents on the sideline. Raven asks the most pressing questions, "Did you have to spank him a lot?"
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HOUSE...
Constable Taylor bathes with a fully clothed Danielle M, bitching about Tiffany Trump.
Constable Taylor: "This is how many fucks I give and how much chill I have left in me." GIRL THOSE ARE THE OPPOSITE.
RAVEN AND NICK AT SKATELAND
Nick and Raven begin at the arcade with Nick's little sister Bella.
There's an unaddressed small child trapped in the claw game.
Nick leads a train of Bella's soccer team in roller skating. He is UNCONSCIONABLY good at roller skating.
Bella interrogates Raven about how much she likes kids as Nick glides by, unnoticed and starving for attention in the background.
Bella: "I really want another sister-in-law."
Nick's wearing a very aggressive deep V for this date.
Raven is impressed by his mini wheel skills and blinded by the Deep V. They make out.
MILWAUKEE ART MUSEUM
Next they go to a cool museum. Did Raven design all of her own outfits? They are very... intricate. Raven: "I'm more than just a roller-skating partner, I'm a good partner in life!"
Raven tells Nick the fun story of how she caught her last ex cheating on her and then she beat the shit out of him with the girl's stiletto.
She goes into a lot of, arguably, unnecessary detail.
They talk about how they've both felt shame getting cheated on and Nick is digging her. I'm distracted by how cool the building is.
Then they briefly roller skate through the museum. NICK CROUCHES TO SPEED SKATE.
Raven on her first date where she's actually been alone in the same room with Nick: "I'm falling in love with Nick."
Constable Taylor is pissed that Danielle L grabs Nick first even though she has a rose already: "nothing urgent was at stake tonight".
She decides to crash their convo but waits awkwardly clutching her arm as Danielle L finishes her prepared paragraph about how their relationship is progressing.
Nick: "Thank you very much for sharing."
Tiffany Trump and Nursing Student Josephine meanwhile binge eat and attack the Constable.
Tiffany Trump: "I'm hungry and I'm disgusted."
Nursing Student Josephine calls Taylor a hypocrite. Tiffany Trump: "Of course!"
Tiffany Trump calls Constable Taylor over to the One-on-One firepit to discuss how she was being mean to her in front of the group. Taylor tells her she doesn't have the "emotional intelligence" to handle marrying Nick and then patronizingly explains the various types of intelligence. Tiffany Trump: "You made me cry in front of the group."
Tiffany Trump: "In the utmost respect, let's stop playing, you know, Miss Proper... You're treating me like an idiot. Don't tell me I'm stupid."
Constable Taylor: I don't get the feeling this "is making sense-- or getting through to you?"
Tiffany Trump calls the Constable "stuck up" and says, "I'm not an idiot, I run a multi-million dollar company."
Constable: "I'm not trying to treat you like an idiot, Corinne."
Tiffany Trump: "So stop treating me like I'm a fucking idiot, TAYLOR."
Constable Taylor re: her emotional intelligence level being lower: "That sounds mean but it's the fucking truth."
TO BE CONTINUED...
Upcoming Scenes: Constable Taylor and Tiffany Trump Two-On-One?!?!?!
Tag: Dolphin Alexis is on this show just to provide the tags. She tells Nick her two biggest fears are Nicholas Cage, the actor, and aliens.