By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 12 (Air Date: 3/13/17)
Guys, it's here. The episode that is POSSIBLY Vile Nick Viall's last Bachelor franchise episode ever. That's after 14 episodes of The Bachelor, 21 episodes of The Bachelorette, and 11 episodes of Bachelor in Paradise. 46. A true epoch. He's listed after ONLY Lord Harrison on The Bachelorette's IMDB page.
Lord Harrison repeatedly calls this episode "historic" and he twice describes Nick's search for love as "desperate." I totally get how this is desperate, but how is this historic? Is someone going to give birth on stage? They've already done: a live breakup of Jake and Vienna, an attempt to force a spontaneous wedding with a priest of Ben and Lauren, Bachelor Jason go back on his decision and choose his runner up, and they've even had an on-stage Ultrasound exam to reveal Ashley's baby's gender. Have they not done it all?!
Lord Harrison ponders how Nick will choose between "two beautiful women."
We're in Rovaniemi, Finland. Nick leads a dance train of elves through the town.
Raven Re-Meets Nick's Parents
Nick had to pick his favorite four of his eleven siblings to fly out to be in the finale. The featured sister who's 30 years younger than him is of course there.
Nick's Mom: "So, do you have a favorite?"
Nick says he likes both. Nick’s hair is so coiffed it's practically a mohawk at this point.
Nick’s Dad looks like Ben Linus from LOST.
Raven meets the parents again.
Nick’s family all seem like they’ve taken sedatives. Nick’s Mom (re: Raven): “I can’t see her hurting anybody.” Nick’s Mom obviously hasn't heard the stiletto story yet.
Nick's sister is on the same emotional maturity level as Raven so she talks to her first.
Raven sucks up to her and tells her she's not going to like Vanessa.
Side note: Nick’s Mom has a nose piercing.
Vanessa Meets Nick's Parents
Vanessa sums herself up for Nick's parents: "I love my family, I love my friends."
Vanessa’s first story she tells Nick's parents is how she puked on him. She's very aggressive talking to them and seems 20 years older than Raven.
Vanessa: "I can't picture myself not getting engaged with Nick."
Vanessa and Nick's Dad discuss love and Nick’s Dad starts crying.
Vanessa starts crying.
Nick Discusses the Women with his Family
Nick: "I think I would be lying if I said how different this is." Nick’s Mom starts crying about how he was rejected by Caitlyn and Andi.
We check back in with Lord Harrison and half the white women of Los Angeles.
Vanessa's Last Date
Nick picks up Vanessa again.
We get a fun Dancing with the Stars graphic superimposed over him.
Nick says that this week is "a two-way street more."
Nick can't ride a horse.
There is a random shot of Santa in the woods hiding behind a tree.
Santa is not addressed for a while.
Then they happen upon a cabin out out comes a man in a Santa costume. I really wish this was Neil Lane or Lord Harrison.
Vanessa SCREAMS: “OUT CAME SANTA CLAUS!!!”
They go in Santa Claus’s little house in the snow. Santa asks what's at the top of their wish lists. Nick: “I guess I'd have to say love!”
Santa gives them a present which is a carving caricature of the couple with two symbols. Vanessa: “One represents happiness and the other represents fertility.”
Vanessa: “Santa Claus believes and sees a future between Nick and I.”
Vanessa: “What is your type?” Nick: “Smart, strong, confident women, but it eventually gets to the point where it boils over.”
Vanessa tells Nick she doesn't want him to propose to her because her relationship is slightly greater than his relationship with someone else.
Nick’s not giving Vanessa his gloves? Nick strokes Vanessa’s bare hand with his gloved hand.
Later that night…
Vanessa: “Every time I ask you a question, the answers are general.”
Nick responds with gibberish about being careful with his heart.
Vanessa: "Do you feel like you’re ready to propose?"
Nick: "I feel like the week’s not over."
Vanessa: "I don’t like that answer."
Nick: "I know what you want to hear."
Vanessa doesn't think the situation is romantic but Nick does.
Nick: "If you want to find a million different scenarios where you can DE-ROM, UN-ROM... make it less then you probably can… When I’ve been with you I’ve only thought of you."
Nick: "I want it at the end to feel different and special. That’s how I need to get there."
Nick makes out with her and shakes her as she’s crying.
Nick is very into Vanessa's fluids. Vom. Tears. w/e.
Vanessa: “It is scary to think that you don’t know what is to come.” Nick wipes away Vanessa’s tears.
Nick: "It breaks my heart that I can’t make Vanessa feel better."
We get a quick shot of Lord Harrison lounging on his throne couch.
Raven's Last Date
Nick takes Raven ice skating "since skating is our thing."
Nick: "It’s just so playful and fun and it’s easy not to think about anything else." NICK’S FUCKING ICE DANCING.
Raven: "To think this could be my last date as a single person is crazy.”
Nick once again forces Raven to the ground to make out with her.
AHHHH Nick brings in lil puppies. This is the only Bachelor date I would’ve liked to go on.
Later that night at drinks…
Nick says he can’t move his neck from stress.
Raven tells Nick she'd say yes if he proposes.
Nick leaves and ponders. There's a knock on his door. Is it Santa? It's Neil Lane.
Nick Meets with Neil Lane for the Fourth Time
Nick: "Hello friend." Neil Lane is so consistently a creepy wax figure.
Nick picks the biggest ring.
Pondering shots of Vanessa. She is crying again. Now Raven ponders. Raven: “I see Nick as a father. I see him as a husband.”
Nick ponders the ring.
Re: Raven, Nick: “Everything tells me she would say yes."
Nick enters a sexy lodge in Poropirtti, Finland.
We get MORE foreshadowing as Nick waits for his women.
Nick Dumps Raven
Raven enters first, trips, and Lord Harrison grabs her coat. He asks, "You good?"
The doors are covered in dead grass.
Raven: “I couldn’t be more sure to tell you tonight. I love you.”
Nick's eyes dart around as Raven talks to him.
Nick starts crying: "I just don’t know if I’m in love. I just like, I know my heart's somewhere else... I’m just sorry.”
Raven says she regrets nothing and starts crying.
Nick: "I'm going to miss you."
Raven leaves without her coat. Raven: “Is it just that no one can feel that way about me?”
Nick Proposes to Vanessa
Nick: “I’ve been falling in love with Vanessa for a long time. And I feel like sometimes I’ve been fighting it. And I’m not fighting it anymore.”
Nick hopes this wasn't "wasted tears and wasted broken hearts.” Two giveaways to Vanessa: Lord Harrison grabs Vanessa's coat and Raven's is still hanging there. Also Nick picks her up.
Nick: "I will never forget the first moment I saw you... I’ll never forget the first moment I started falling in love with you... Being next to you I felt something very very special."
Nick sobs. Nick: "I'm in love with you."
Nick: "I’m glad I don’t have to try to not say it."
Vanessa: "Knowing how much you love to talk, I promise I'm ready to do a lot of listening." Weird line to end on.
Nick gets down on one knee.
Nick’s look up at Vanessa after he puts ring on her finger is SO weird!!!
Nick gives her the final rose.
Nick and Vanessa say they are so happy to be engaged.
Nick makes a euphemism about banging and then slaps Vanessa's ass.
They get in the back of a sleigh being driven by a little old man and ride off into the gray din.
Great season guys. A nice reminder that true love does exist!
I could NOT be more excited for Rachel as The Bachelorette. Everything they do is going to feel racist. Every. Single. Thing. I'm hibernating until May 22nd.