Hey guys, yeah, it's Sunday. I was out of town and then trouble-shooting the fuck out of this website. We're starting the best season of the Bachelor EVER so really, everyone should just be supremely chill and content rn.
I don’t think this show has ever had a cold open of the Bachelor attempting to explain that he’s the Bachelor over and over, mumbling and fucking up and lisping the shit out of his intro. I'm already beyond obsessed with this season.
We get an interesting upskirt shot of Nick’s hairless bod.
Next we reminisce on Nick's ground-breaking history in the Bachelor Franchise, seeing him get dumped in the final round of The Bachelorette twice in a row, once when he's literally about to propose to Kaitlyn. The logline of this season is "Fourth Time's the Charm" and may it never let up, harping on Nick's embarrassing, borderline sociopathic struggle to find love on TV.
Nick then goes into all his fun quirks like mumbling, being long-winded, and resting his head on his hand all the time, which he insists doesn’t mean he’s bored.
Nick: "I have a track record at least in this environment of ending this thing in tears. If I get down on one knee at this end of all of this, my single biggest fear is having my heart broken again. It's very possible. It’s actually, you know, arguably-arguably likely." Fingers crossed!!
Next we see Nick with his family of 50 gazillion siblings somewhere called Waukesha, looking at a series of photographs of him growing up.
Nick's little sister then gives him some advice based on watching his disastrous Bachelor franchise appearances. I'm not sure how she's 40 years younger than him. She tells him to pick up girls in cool cars, to not mumble, and to look girls in the eyes.
Nick: "I’m gonna give America a happy ending."
Previous Bachelors Unite
Lord Harrison's trainee (Sean Lowe), the Vacant Farmer (Chris Soules), and Unlovable Ben are back together at some restaurant, drinking whiskey and gossiping about the selection of Nick as the new Bachelor in their lineage.
Sean Lowe: "A lot of people see him as this giant tool bag, right, that they don't like... But this summer in Bachelor in Paradise, he became like, this really likable guy."
Nick: "We’ve all been on the other end of it--"
Ben: "--Some of us more than others."
Vacant Farmer: "Some of us WAY more than others."
They give Nick invaluable advice such as:
Unlovable Ben: "Be Nick." This is actually the opposite of Nick's little sister's advice of "Hide Nick. Be Not Nick."
Rachel is a lawyer who loves to finish work and then sing and dance with her vacuum cleaner in an apartment filled with someone's wedding photos.
Danielle L. is hot and owns a few nail salons. She's ready for her next chemically-filled challenge, finding a husband.
Vanessa is a special-needs teacher "put here to be a teacher and a Mom."
Josephine is an eccentric nursing student who is very into her cat.
She role-plays her and Nick having a fun conversation on the boardwalk!
Raven owns a clothing store in Hoxie, Arkansas and loves mudding. She says Hoxie's motto is "Family, faith and football."
Tiffany Trump has snuck her way on to this season in the guise of a woman named Corinne. She starts her intro video like Elle Woods' law school application in Legally Blonde.
She speaks in the third person, lives with her family, and "helps run" a "multi-million dollar company."
In order to "run her giant important company", she has to keep her Nanny, Raquel on staff to bring her cucumbers.
Alexis skips around in Seacaucus NJ. She wants to be a dolphin trainer and says Nick "needs to love dolphins or else this isn’t going to work out."
Alexis describes herself as fun: "I'll walk to CVS in a sumo-wrestling costume."
Taylor is a roller-skating mental health counselor who focuses her work on vulnerability and relationships. Perfect! She's only gonna get the real crazy patients now who trust a Bachelor contestant with their mental health.
Doula Liz is from Vegas, she loves to feed ducks, and she fucked Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding 9 months ago! How on EARTH did she get onto this season?!
Lord Harrison makes sure to remind Nick how much his choice as Bachelor is controversial, how people used to think he had serial-killer qualities, and how he needs to succeed on his Redemption Tour.
They are really pushing this Nick-redeemed-himself-in-Paradise storyline. The bar was just incredibly low opposite his psychopathic, abusive rival Josh.
They show the women’s conversations in the limos before meeting him, which is new.
Nail Salon Danielle L. is first out. Nick: "You look wow."
Christen emerges from the limo with a fan that she throws into the street for a PA to grab. Christen: "How crazy do you think I am right now? "
Christen: "Honestly, I feel like I’m meeting a celebrity." Nick: "I'm not." Christen: "You’re normal to you?"
Taylor: "All my girlfriends were like 'no he’s a complete piece of shit!' But I don’t believe them." Nick: "Cannot wait to meet her friends."
Lauren: "You and I were both blessed with terrible last names. Viall and Hussey. You and I are a disgusting slut."
Olivia makes Nick do an Eskimo Kiss.
Sarah runs up to him.
Jasmine G., the Basketball Dancer, brings the live wax figure, Neil Lane, with her and shows Nick which ring she wants at the end.
Canadian Hailey tries to pull off a sexy line about not wearing underwear but she's way too nervous and it comes off creepy as hell...
Astrid tells Nick her tits are real in German. Haha.
Jade's Maid of Honor/Nick's One-Night-Stand-Liz finally emerges from the limo.
Nick doesn't acknowledge knowing her already.
One-Night-Stand-Liz: "So that made me feel like he doesn't know who I am. And I kind of like that. I like a little mystery."
Tiffany Trump Corinne gives a 36-year-old man a hug token.
Vanessa speaks French. Nick: "Yeah that’s a keeper."
Nurse Danielle M. finger feeds Nick her Dad's maple syrup and tells him to find her if things "get sticky with the other girls."
Hoxie Raven shows Nick how they call the hogs in Arkansas by yelling "Pig Suey" and doing the Wave.
Jaimi tells Nick they both have balls and then pulls a ball septum piercing out of her nose.
Briana asks if she can listen to Nick's heart with a stethoscope and then makes a joke about taking his shirt off and then makes this face.
Josephine tells Nick he's a "weiner" in her book, pulls an uncooked hot dog out of a hollowed-out-book, and then force feeds it to him.
We don't get to see the conclusion of this but Brittany puts on a rubber glove and asks Nick to bend over.
Lacey comes in on a camel. "I hear you like a good hump and so do I."
Raven is pissed she didn’t think of the camel. I like her.
Dolphin Trainer Alexis leaves her sumo suit at home and arrives in a shark costume that she insists is a dolphin: "I dolphinitely can’t wait to talk to you inside."
Inside, the girls have begun freaking out that everyone is in red dresses.
They also debate if Alexis is a Shark or a Dolphin.
Dolphin Alexis: "I was gonna wear a red dress too. Thank God I didn’t."
The girls are very into how hot Nick is. Christen: "This is the cover that screams 'I wanna read this book.'" One-Night-Stand-Liz thinks she might have a slight advantage in that she's fucked him already. Nick gives an awkward opening speech to the girls.
Nick: "I have a ton of memories being here... I want you all to feel as empow-powered as possible."
Lawyer Rachel and Nick discuss how they come from insanely large families and something about football.
Danielle L. and Nick discuss how hot her dress is that her sister picked out.
Lord Harrison drops the first impression rose on the table for the girls to get in a tizzy about. Canadian Hailey, the poet, describes it as "glistening in this like, bowl of sparkles."
Taylor: "My heart is in my ass now."
Tiffany Trump doesn't think she's given Nick enough hug tokens so she gives Nick a bag of more tokens. Nick asks if they're for hugs. Corinne: "Or whatever."
The teacher then tries to talk to Nick about how hot HER dress is but meanwhile Tiffany Trump has an itch to scratch and Nanny Raquel is nowhere to be found to do her bidding...
So Corinne steals him back. They're definitely giving her a Bad Girl Edit. She makes out with him.
The girls scream, "They’re kissing!"
Nick to Corinne: "Like, do I have to give you a token right now?"
Nick: "I hope that really no women saw us kiss." Haha.
Taylor: "First one to kiss him and the first one to double-dip."
At last! The slut-shaming has begun!!!
The girls are feeling the pressure of not having enough time to talk to Nick. Some can't handle it.
Astrid makes a hilarious joke about how she's dated guys she didn't know were seeing other women before and this time at least she's aware of it. The Dolphin is wasted and dolphin-calls Nick over to her in the pool. I really want to see her try to train sharks thinking they're dolphins.
One-Night-Stand-Liz finally confronts Nick and he tells her he recognizes her, squashing her fantasy that they'd fucked and he'd forgotten. He questions if she's there for the right reasons since he hasn't heard from her in 9 months after denying him her phone number.
Angela gives Nick some sort of giant book.
Danielle M. is sweet and tells Nick she works as a neo-natal nurse. He then asks if she works in a hospital.
Although Tiffany Trump expects the first impression rose, Nick surprises Bachelor Nation (first stop in Redemption Tour?) and gives it to Lawyer Rachel.
The Dolphin/Shark is beyond wasted at this point.
Roses for Teacher Vanessa, Nail Salon Danielle L., Christen, Astrid, Tiffany Trump, Elizabeth W., Jasmine G., Hoxie Raven, Kristina, Nurse Danielle M., Runner Sarah, Hot Dog Josephine...
Roses for Camel Lacey, Counselor Taylor... He gives one to the wasted Dolphin Alexis, presumably just for sticking to her bit? She tries to maintain she's not a shark even while she accepts her rose.
Canadian Hailey gets one and loses her shit...
More roses for Vampire-Diaries-Whitney, Dominique, Balls-Jaimi, Brittany...
They try to make it dramatic for the Final Rose like Nick might kick One-Night-Stand-Liz off but of course he doesn't.
Eskimo-Kisses-Olivia, Sex-and-the-City-Angela, Lauren, Ida Marie, Jasmine B., Michelle, Susannah, and Stethoscope-Briana go home.
Tiffany Trump: "At the end of this I don't want to be runner-up or something cute like that. I know what I need to do and nobody's getting in my way."
Upcoming Scenes: Nick wandering through Arctic, someone's bisexual past, Backstreet Boys, Topless Tiffany Trump, Liz's sexy secret comes out, THE SLAP, Corinne's Platinum Vagine, Nick sobbing a LOT, Nick proposing in a sexy lodge. Fuck. Yes.
Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase