By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 1 (Air Date: 5/22/17)
The Rachelorette has begun! As much as I want to dislike Rachel and think there must be some way she's known about this plan since the beginning of Nick's season, she is SO damn charming. And I'm not just saying that because they completely overdo her intro sequence by showing us a trillion likability shots of her laughing, spinning around in circles, and dancing through town like she's beginning Beauty and the Beast...
There's a quick shot of her "practicing law" but then don't worry we're right back to dancing.
A CUTE INJURED PUPPY?! I'M ALREADY WON OVER ABC YOU DIDN'T NEED TO DO THIS. Does Rachel get to take him on this journey?! Yes, I now know it's a him and his name is Copper and there's already several Twitter accounts for him and we're in love.
Positive-Attributes-Renaissance-woman Rachel can even throw a basketball somewhere!!!
The first contestant background we get is Alex, the salamander-eater. I'm not sure this bodes well for her suitors. He talks about how he loves to work out.
BUT THEN, Alex reveals how he's actually also "a nerd"!!!!! He benchpresses a book and then presents a completed Rubix cube.
Mohit shows us how he loves to Bollywood dance. Next, a raging, coked-out sociopath named Lucas introduces himself as a "Whaboom!" He doesn't really explain it but he does scare a squirrel, tackle a man, and sing. He seizes up in his confessional.
He seizes up in a yard.
His stomach seizes.
The "Aspiring Drummer" Blake E., talks about how he fucks and how he has a great dick. He lifts up two women on the beach to demonstrate this.
Diggy confesses that he has a crippling shopping problem and owns 575 pairs of sneakers.
Josiah, the prosecuting attorney, tells a horrible childhood story of how he found his brother who had killed himself, which sent him on a path of juvenile crime. It's a major bummer but he tells everyone it's OK because he eventually because an attorney to help other troubled youths.
Previous Bachelor Contestants Reunite
Instead of the tradition of the previous Bachelorettes giving the new Bachelorette advice, they bring back the other contestants Rachel competed with on Nick's season. I actually like this better.
The ladies cheers to being Rachel's Bridesmaids which is probably in her contract if ABC foots the bill for Rachel's wedding. Dolphin Alexis tells her to not judge anyone if they come in a costume and Rachel pretends for a hot second she would be cool settling for the male version of Alexis.
Russian Kristina looks HOT AS HELL. Silent Whitney finally justifies why she's there by giving Rachel a "warning from a friend" about DeMario. Too bad DeMario is that level of hotness that surpasses warnings. Tiffany Trump gives Rachel nonsensical advice about who to pick.
I forgot how dumb Raven is. She starts crying?? She IS now the most famous person from her town just for being a contestant so I guess the idea of actually being the chosen lead of this show would rock her to her core.
Peter is hot but wears a strange suit and for some reason thinks being from Wisconsin is extremely endearing. Josiah leaves his conversation with Rachel by saying, "See you later litigator."
Bryan is Colombian and speaks Spanish to her. He wears a red pocket square to subconsciously indicate to her and Bachelor Nation that he's already won a rose. Rachel is smitten: "I like trouble." Uh oh.
Wrestler Kenny has her do this.
Diggy, the Senior Inventory Analyst, tells Rachel he's going to teach her "how to Diggy." Remember from that guy who had that song? My name sort of sounds similar to that.
Brady, the model, sledgehammers a block of ice to "break the ice". Rachel says she likes corny.
I've seen this show before. You have no IDEA how low my expectations were. I saw Rated R run away through bushes with a full-leg cast for having a secret girlfriend. I saw Kasey get the Guard and Protect your heart tattoo. I saw Mad Chad black out and threaten to murder everyone. And these were some of these women's BEST options.
The four that Rachel initially met at After The Final Rose all come out.
Dean doubles down on his stupid joke and asks Rachel what she thought of him saying "once I go black I won't go back." Rachel says she thought it was cute. FOR REAL RACH??? DeMario calls himself the "number one seed in the bracket... Imma win." Aspiring Blake E. comes out with a marching band. He says he was trying to "redeem himself after an awkward introduction." It's weird that they've gotten feedback already from Bachelor Nation and adjusted. HE STICKS HIS TONGUE OUT. ADJUSTMENT FAILED.
Ugh Rachel appears to outwardly love it.
Fred comes out super serious and shows Rachel his elementary school yearbook. He was in 3rd grade and reveals her 8th grade picture. Rachel: "He was a very bad kid." HAHA.
Jonathan comes out and he is CREEPY AS HELL despite having such a non-creepy-sounding job and hometown: "Tickle Monster from New Smyrna Beach, FL."
JONATHAN TICKLES HER!!! EWWW!!!
Lee, the Nashville songwriter, sings her a song but sounds like he's gasping for air.
Alex vacuums his way in, calling back Rachel's intro sequence in The Bachelor where she danced around her apartment.
Milton takes a selfie with her and then MAKES A GROWLING NOISE AT HER.
Adam brings a creepy fucking doll with him that he calls Little Adam. Blake K.: "That's almost as bad as tickling her."
Matt dressed up as a penguin: "I'm gonna waddle right into her heart."
Grant, the Emergency Physician arrives in an ambulance.
Anthony is a drip.
Jack Stone threatens her that she "better" come talk to him inside.
Jedidiah: "When Jacob met Rachel, he wept."
Mike Black: "The blacker the brownie the sweeter the dude."
Someone: "There's a lot of fly dudes."
DeMario: "Which one of y'all the crazy one?"
Suddenly, a lunatic screams through a megaphone from within the limo: "195 pounds of pure lean muscle mass. Also has one testicle larger than the other which of course is completely normal. Your future husband!"
The psycho cokehead Whaboom emerges!
We've only seen two scenes of him but I can say with 100% certainty that he has poisoned little children on Halloween. Whaboom SCREAMS at Rachel's face to give her a "glimpse of Whaboom". Rachel: "That's just a glimpse?"
Demario: "That's the crazy one." The group reacts to their flyness ratio lowering.
Someone describes meeting Rachel as "meeting a Disney princess" and confirms my theory of how they framed her intro. DeMario's confessional: "She's so sexy, can I say that?" I'VE ALREADY FALLEN FOR DEMARIO'S TRICKS.
Rachel enters the fray and gives her opening speech.
The dudes get pissed that Josiah grabs Rachel first. He gets part of his sob story out immediately and Rachel tells him, "I love full circle stories."
Josiah explains to the guys: "Y'all boys was over here lollygagging and laughing." He keeps bragging about how he's going to win. There's something unstable but endearing about him.
Dean loves the beach and wants to build a sand castle with Rachel. Then he says he's never built one??? Dean says one true thing: "She's absolutely out of my league."
One guy gives her a draft card with her face on it. Someone has posed the creepy doll AJ with a glass of champagne.
Adam then chats with Rachel while AJ records every second.
To escalate this, AJ of course has his own confessional and inexplicably only speaks French.
Frederick talks with Rachel about her being his camp counselor. Something makes me think he's only aged physically.
Bryan grabs her: "Wassup troublemaker?" He tells her he's 37. Rachel: "I love that already."
Bryan makes Rachel say she likes him the most in Spanish. He aggressively makes out with her. Rachel's confessional: "I did not want to kiss anybody tonight but boy did I love it!" Ugh she's so charming and I'm so scared of the fucked up shit these tools are gonna do.
Whaboom screams and "falls" over the sofa. Someone: "He's a nutcase. Did you guys drug test?"
Whaboom starts narrating Rachel's one-on-one time with other dudes through the megaphone at Rachel. Rachel and the dudes just ignore him. The things you just have to go through to find love.
Aspiring Blake's confessional: "Lucas is like the guy at the family reunion that pinches your nipples and puts a whoopee cushion under you."
Milton GROWLS at Rachel again. Aspiring Blake confronts a wasted Whaboom about being there for the wrong reasons.
Whaboom: "Everyone has a little Whaboom in them"
Aspiring Blake deadpans: "I have no Whaboom in me."
Wrestler Kenny to Rachel: "I'm the Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King." Rachel grabs the first impression rose.
Rachel gives Chiropractor Bryan the rose.
He makes out with her insanely hard.
A wasted Mohit witnesses and yells out, "NOOOOOO!!!!!"
Jamey ponders: "Maybe she doesn't like guys with perfect hair and perfect facial features."
Roses for Peter, Will, Jack Stone, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, THE TICKLER, Bryce, Nerd Alex, Wrestler Kenny, Dean, Penguin Matt, Anthony, Model Brady...
More roses for Josiah, Guitar Lee, Shoeholic Diggy, Bad Kid Fred, Adam (DOLL GUY), Aspiring Drummer Blake E...
Last rose goes to WHABOOM. He screams like a fucking psychopath.
Goodbye other Blake, Drunk Mohit, Jedidiah, Growler Milton, Rob, ER Doc,...
By the way, Milton the growler CRIES going home because he only got to wear one of his outfits. My emotional investment in this season is already out of control. See you next week.