The Rachelorette: Recap of Week 2

5/30/2017

By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 2 (Air Date: 5/29/17)
The guys settle into the Bachelor mansion. They perform the sacred morning ritual of lining up and screaming "Rachel!" off the balconies.

They reassemble in their living room spots as Lord Harrison gives his orientation to love camp.

Welcome to the mansion. Now remember, no phones, drink up, and you space out the reveals of your sob stories and your secret girlfriends.

Firefighter Bryce re: Rachel: "You feel like she's smiling right at you."

Even though she doesn't ever look directly in my eye because of some "inappropriate" fire innuendo, I just know she's still smiling right at me.

I wonder if I would still think Jack Stone was creepy if he didn't go by his full name. Probably.

The guys cheers to the journey and Whacokehead continues to push his schtick. I tried to do this move and I injured myself so be careful out there. What if Whaboom was a philanthropical organization, and each embarrassing, guttural yell-seizure gained exposure for it and helped the world instead of its current importance of being literally nothing?

Group Date I: Cleaning up Shit

The first set of V-necks play football with Rachel somewhere that looks like New Zealand.

Iggy wins the award for dumbest shit said this episode: "It's hard with Lucas because I kind of question his personality traits right now."

Right now, his personality traits just aren't adding up.

Aspiring Drummer Grant, however, takes the Lucas fixation to the next, extremely necessary level: "I know the real Lucas. Lucas is garbage. And Lucas is not here to find a wife. Lucas is here to be on television. And the one person that could ruin that for him is me. And I'm going to."

Garbage cans don't have wives. They're meant for drumming on in the park or hiding your rich girlfriend's birth control in and that's it.

Whacokehead picks Rachel up against her will and spins her around. She screams in protest: "I'm in a dress!!!" He spins her anyway.

What a fucking nightmare.

"Rachel's" brought Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis to help her run a husbanding relay race. They are NOT PROMOTING ANYTHING?!?! VERY CONFUSED. Mila and Ashton say this show is their "guilty pleasure" ever since people said Jared from Kaitlyn's season looks like Ashton. They're actually stating during this show that you should feel guilty if you watch. NEVER.

I'm Jared if Jared were insanely hot, grew a sliver of a personality, and had way more than one virgin stalking him.

Ashton and Mila then openly mock the low bar for the quality of dudes that are generally on the show. They ask who has health insurance and a job.

Who here has health insurance? Anyone have a job? Anyone currently wearing shoes?

Wrestler Kenny keeps bragging that due to being a father he has a leg up on scooping baby shit: "I was up to my elbows in like, that yellow poop.

But ONLY the yellow ones.

Back at the Mansion...

The creepy doll AJ now floats like a corpse in the pool.

One PA's job is to keep moving AJ around and redoing its hair.

Musician Lee starts ranting nonsense to Urkel Will. I don't really remember him from last week but Will is HOT AS HELL??? NEW FAVORITE.

Hi...

Lee is already riled up to a 10 even though there's only been one date. He says the guys are going to "go out and mess up and look like shit. Just kidding. I'm just kidding. But I'm not. But I am." I love this early stage where you can only see little glimpses of the mental instability that led them to sign up for this.

They're going to mess up just be being physically present on this date. That's why my strategy is to hide in the closets until Hometowns. Can't send me packing if you don't know that I'm still here!

But what do I know, I'm just a drunk psychopath. But I'm not! But I am! Jk jk jk. But am I? You know what I'm saying bro.

Will: "Lee's a character, man. But he's just-- he takes it a little too far."

Back on the Group Date...

The guys begin their relay race of husband tasks. The doll motif of this season has been out of control. The guys have to clean fake poop off baby dolls. They BLUR THIS OUT??

Aren't these children's toys?

Ashton: "I'm gonna make a bold prediction. I don't think Rachel's guy is in this group... I knew on day one."

Samesies

Mila tells Bachelor Nation she's going to give him at least a beej tonight for this romantic comment.

Another Iggyism: "I mean, I poop every day. So I feel like I can handle it alright."

I mean, ask anyone! I poop every day like clockwork and I make very few mistakes in the wiping process if I have time to prepare and I focus.

Wrestler Kenny continues to brag about his diaper changing skills due to his single-fatherdom. "Like, I got a seventh-degree black belt in dirty diapers."

I bet this is the last time we hear he's a single dad.

The guys are so bad at the obstacles that Mila Kunis collapses on the ground in laughter.

You idiot! You have to keep the vacuum cleaner plugged into the mile-long extension cord as you vacuum the crumbs off the pink track while carrying a fake baby next to all the other men holding fake babies as you compete for nothing!

Aspring Blake continues to be obsessed with Whacokehead.

We get artsy shots from the POV of the fake rope of hair being pulled out of the drain.

NOOO!! THIS IS MY HOME!!

Whacokehead drowns his doll.

The Wrestler and Whacokehead are neck and neck. Whacokehead stiff-arms the Wrestler, knocking him out. It should be repeatedly noted that they haven't even given the guys any stakes for this race.

The only possible explanation is he's so coked out he somehow believes the prize is him getting that Mila Kunis beej.

Aspiring Blake points out how Whacokehead hasn't been following the directions perfectly: "He didn't follow directions like, three different times."

Something tells me this dude was lying about having an awesome dick.

Whacokehead wins and slams his baby on the ground screaming: "I'm husband material!"

He throws out a "Hit 'em with the Hein" which makes me question my Stern love. Whacokehead screams "Whaboom" at Ashton. Mila: "That's the sound that he makes." Ashton: "For what?" Mila: "Like excitement." Ashton is all of us: "Why?"

Whacokehead forces Ashton to give him a high five and it's gross. You get the feeling this is the peak moment of his life.

When you believe one high five can cure what caused you to lead a vacuous, meaningless life of a reality television clown footnote.

Aspring Blake: "I've tried to just kind of sit back and be cool and just kind of let him burn his own bridge. But it's not burning fast enough. This shit with Lucas ends tonight. Whaboom."

I've tried to just be cool, only bitching about him in every single one my confessionals. But it's time to take that bitching to the next level. To a girl's face I'm trying to romantically win over.

Then he mic-drops the baby.

WHY DO THEY ALL SHARE THIS INSTINCT

Later at Group Date Cocktails...

Rachel confronts Whacokehead for stiff-arming the Wrestler: "you muffed him!" I looked up this use of the word.

You handled that situation, task, or opportunity clumsily or badly!

He maintains that he did it for her. Lol.

Do you even realize that if I didn't punch that dude in the throat you wouldn't even be ALIVE right now? Women...

Aspiring Blake chats with the other guys. He acts like his drama with Whacokehead is written all over his face and he's gotta come clean: "I kind of want to address an elephant in the room."

I know EVERYONE is thinking it. It's been almost a full day here. It's time.

Aspiring Blake: "I know Lucas from a, you know, previous encounter."

Our encounter was previous and definitely not banging. People care about roommate drama this much in real life.

Aspiring Blake: "Like, he's been doing the Whaboom BS for the last three years... He's doing his act because he wants to be on TV."

Wait dude, are you saying this shit is going to be on TV?!

Meanwhile Whacokehead reads Rachel a poem: "Your beautiful brown eyes and your gorgeous smile are just the tip of all you entile." Jesus Christ.

Your eyes are the tip of all you entile. You are the most beautiful femile in all the world.

That feeling when someone is so dumb and unworthy you wanna throw up and die but you remember you on camera.

Rachel and Freddy discuss for the hundredth time how she can't stop seeing him as a bad child. The lack of detail here is annoying. What did he do that was so memorably bad??

To be honest, it's so hard to get past you exploding those cats.

Rachel's confessional: "I like for the guy to make the first move."

There's something special about you... What's your blood type? Oh, for a normal reason.

Iggy conducts a job interview while sweating profusely: "So from a career perspective, what's-- what's on the horizon for you?"

So do you have any big deals coming down the pike?

Lil Boy Deanie gets in on the Whacokehead pile-on: "Where is the differentiation between Whaboom and Lucas?"

Whatcokehead: "There is none. It's not an act. It's not a show. When I want to turn it on I turn it on."

It's not an act. It's not a show. I just turn it on when I want to perform for people and turn it off when they're not around.

Aspiring Blake decides it's time to confront Rachel: "Him being here literally has wasted everyone's time. Like, it's time to be a man and go tell Rachel the truth."

Manhood's calling and I gotta pick up. Gonna man the eff up and throw another man under the bus for an ill-conceived slight advantage.

Aspring Blake to Rachel: More like "just 'wha-go-away,' please."

I came up with "wha-go-away" on the spot just now. Definitely didn't repetitively try to teach it to an inanimate baby doll all morning.

Rachel: "Not a fan?"

Aspiring Blake: "I didn't want to make this about the Blake and Lucas show."

If there were to be any spin-off of this epic battle, it'd be "Step up 69: Blake & Blake's Big Snake Show."

Rachel: "We're already here." Blake: "I didn't want to get into this."

LOL! Rachie you gossipy slut!! I didn't want to get into this but OK, I'll read out this typed 50-page manifesto on how he's unworthy of your time.

Blake: "He's a fucking clown for TV exposure. And then when he's with you, he's the sweet realistic-- like whatever he is with you."

When he's with you he's the ideal man women want. Sweet but realistic. His goals are not lofty. Aspiring Whaboom, even.

Blake gets deeper into it: "Check out the makeup that he's got on that he brought himself."

It's one thing to force a PA to de-grease your t-zone, but to bring the makeup YOURSELF?!

Blake: "He wanted to make sure he looked his best on TV."

Me? I rolled out of bed. I averted my eyes from every single reflective surface today, that's how fucking genuine I am.

Blake: "I didn't want to make our alone time about Lucas."

Aspiring Blake then confesses to Whacokehead that he threw him under the bus.

Aspiring Blake: "I see through your shit."

Whacokehead: "I'll get me to the top. You're dismissed."

Insert shot of clown face.

Wait I don't get it

Lil Dean asks Rachel what advice Mila and Kutch gave her.

Rachel's D for Lil Dean's Lil D.

They have a cute conversation despite this being the second time he asks if his opening line was OK. She says that he actually stole her line.

Yeah, it sounds way more OK having her say it...

Aspring Blake and Whacokehead have a bizarre conversation about Blake's roommate who is Whacokehead's ex who is being evicted from Blake's apartment?

Do you want me to tell Bachelor Nation the truth about you being a crazy maniac? Or just summarize it pithily without repetition as I just did?

Kenny: "Listen, I'm a pro wrestler. I know all about white dudes acting crazy. Like, these white dudes are kinda buggin right now."

He focuses on the task at hand. He tells Rachel all about his crazy adventures with his daughter and how they want a third adventure friend.

It's not enough. Rachel gives the group date rose to Lil Dean.

He walks her out and they make out.

Hot Peter's One-on-one

Peter is such a fucking babe once he takes off that weird suit. I wanna say top two barring some freak incident.

Rachel tells Hot Peter that she's bringing her friend who was in an accident on their date. IT'S COPPER!!!!!!!

She's still super vague about how Copper got injured which is very weird.

Now this is a fun bit I can get behind

The trio get on a private jet.

They go to some sort of dog festival promotion situation and it's the only date this ep I'd want to go on.

They talk about how both of them are willing to move wherever.

Fuck Dallas. Fuck Madison. JINX!!!

Rachel is INTO it.

Peter dances with Copper and with my heart.

Rachel growls.

Later at cocktails...

For longer than anyone thought humanly possible, Hot Peter and Rachel discuss how they both have a gap between their front teeth.

Rachel asks why he's still single despite being sex incarnate. Peter says his last relationship didn't work out so he saw a therapist.

Rachel: "You're scaring me." Why you ask? She also went to a therapist.

We have gap teeth AND saw therapists? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE PETER YOU TERRIFY ME

Rachel gives him the rose: "You completed exceeded my expectations."

You exceeded my expectations. I mean, were you fat as a child? Bullied? Hotness vs. kindness ratio does not compute.

Despite Rachel saying she likes the guy to make the first move, she grabs him .

Rachel: "I am such a smitten kitten over Peter."

Group Date II: Dunkin Grownups

Names for the last date are called and I swear I've never seen Matt before in my life.

DeMario's in: "You can either sink with the fishes or you can swim to shore. And we're gonna see who's built Ford tough."

You can either fly like the plants or float like a rhino.

Kareem Abdul-Jabar and Rachel tell the guys they'll be playing basketball against each other. Here's Will again.

The guys are terrible at basketball.

DeMario flirts with Rachel and is "confident like Michael Jordan in the finals." I assume that's a sports person. Just kidding. But am I?

Kareem gives Rachel love advice: "Basketball's a really good game to connect to romance."

Sweaty balls flying everywhere, pesky knee injuries, you keep score...

Doesn't DeMario know you're supposed to let girls win?

Kareem, ominously: "People will do a Jekyll and Hyde on you."

Matt is this group date's Iggy, wanting to be "the most valuable player in the game and I can be the most valuable player in her life."

Because in some ways, life is like a game, you know?

The PA has rescued AJ from the pool and brought him to this gym and redone his hair.

Lord Harrison mocks Eric, saying that if he's going to be showy and dance "you better make" the shot.

A bunch of random women cheer the game on with personalized signs such as "Go team go!"

DeMario: "D is for DeMario, dunking, and defense."

Rachel takes pictures with fans after the game. Then she sits down with an unknown fan. But wait, IT'S NOT A FAN?! What did they tell Rachel before she sat down?

She's actually someone's ex/current girlfriend!!!

Please say it's the angry little musician...

Ex: "He literally still has the keys to my apartment."

Ex: "Nothing had happened to signify the end of our relationship." This prompts Rachel to grab DeMario from his post-game huddle with the boys. They assume he's getting a rose.

DeMario tries to start his metaphorical spiel about everything he's learned from basketball that applies to life: "The biggest thing I took away..."

Ex says the line she flew to LA for: "Karma's a bitch, isn't it DeMario?"

DeMario with the line of the episode: "Ohhh... Who, who's this?"

Rachel: "You don't know who this is?"

Ex: "You still have the keys to my apartment, you asshole."

When your vision goes grey and all you see is a bag of Fit Tea burst into flames.

Ex: You appeared on the show "when you were in my bed weeks before." DeMario calls her a psycho to Rachel.

Step 1: Who dis? Step 2: Bitches be cray.

DeMario: "I met her many, many times ago."

I met her many, many times ago. It must have been six penetrations. And by "penetration" I mean "weeks".

Rachel is probably a very good lawyer. She's on it: "What do you mean 'many times ago'?"

DeMario tries to talk about this off-camera because it's "like, some personal life stuff."

He says they had something but that he broke it off because she was nuts. Ex: "When did you do that? On my brother and my father's grave, on both my kittens. Last time he was in my house he was fucking me."

I swear on all my kittens, on my houseplant, on all the roly polies in my houseplant, the last time I saw him he was inside me.

Rachel asks if they communicated after the supposed break-up. DeMario: "Um, some communications..."

Rachel: "Why would you just not stop talking to her?"

DeMario digs his grave deeper and deeper: "I don't have the keys to your apartment. Oh, wait. Actually, I'm sorry. I mailed those keys to your apartment."

Oh wait, KEYS keys. Yes. Those are in the mail.

Rachel: "You don't make any sense. I don't know you right now either."
DeMario: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely."
Ex offers phone proof. Rachel asks DeMario whose story the phone will corroborate.
DeMario: "I mean, we've had sexual intercourse before."

Ex: "You're so caught in your lies right now."

Rachel with the new line-of-the-ep: "Let me tell you something: I’m not here to be played. I’m not here to be made a joke of, which is what I feel like you’re doing right now with me, so I’m really going to need you to get the fuck out."

#TBT to one of the best moments in black history. @therachlindsay is not the one, never will be the one, and never was the one to fuck with. She is a dope lawyer, a hot babe, and has gap teeth that are serving #MadonnaLouiseCicconeRealness. In short, she is perfection and knows how to keep it classy and when to drag a bitch. Case in point: when she found about DeMario's two timing ways, she shut it down! Word to the wise, when a black woman starts a convo with, "Let me tell you something...," the conclusion is not gonna be a goofy ass Snapple fact. She is about to detonate your life with some Looney Tunes ACME firecrackers. The fact that DeMario came on this show knowing full well he has a low budget Cash Me Outside heaux chilling at home, eating chile-lemon flavored Taki chips is straight trash. And the producers high key knowing about his garbage ways yet still flying him out business class on Delta and letting him catch some □ on down pillows all the while, they were prepping for him to be told get his shit and go home is trife but also genius and amazing TV. Dude didn't even get to use his pack of fresh Gillette razors before he was sent packing. This entire scenario was messy AF and also gave me life and put every dusty ass dude on notice: YOU □□ ARE □□ NOT □□ GONNA □□ TRY □□ AND □□ PLAY □□ BLACK □□ WOMEN □□ ON □□ NATIONAL □□ TELEVISION □□ AND □□ GET □□ AWAY □□ WITH □□ IT □□! So thank you, Rachel Lindsay, for your service. This was for Sojourner Truth, this was for Jackie Robinson, this was for the entire cast of "The Color Purple," both the movie and Broadway musical and the musical revival, and most importantly, this was for the wig glue that Patti LaBelle used from 1972-2013. #YQY #TheBachelorette #BlackGirlMagic

A post shared by Phoebe Robinson (@dopequeenpheebs) on Jun 1, 2017 at 1:07pm PDT

Rachel is pissed at the show for setting her up: "This is not the shit that I signed up for."

LORD HARRISON! You said this time it would be different!

She tells the guys.

For real it's stuck like this now help.

Later that night...

Someone: "DeMario is a dirty, dirty dog." We get an insert shot of a scary raccoon.

The guys compete to offer the most supportive shoulder for Rachel to cry on. Josiah: "It hurt me to see the hurt on your face." He side-smiles hard, "I want to see where things go."