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By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 3 (Air Date: 6/5/17) Sorry this is late guys. I've been pretty sick, both physically and EMOTIONALLY with this news of BIP4 shutting down production due to "allegations of misconduct." It looks like there was a question of whether Corinne was too drunk to give consent in hot tub relations with DeMario. If this is true, it's the end of Bachelor in Paradise. And honestly, then what do we really have left?????? For real, someone please answer me in the comments.
Back to pre-Paradise DeMario, when he is only associated with the one scandal of repeatedly lying to Rachel about his ex-girlfriend/fling. He's changed into a suit and begs for her back: "I completely fucked up... give me a second chance... hopefully be on that panel tonight."
I'm leaving it all on the court tonight. Hopefully be up on that panel. Put some points on that scoreboard.
His Uber driver told him to go for it, saying: "Don't take no for an answer." This feels way darker now...
I take my cues from an Uber driver who said, "Don't take no for an answer." When did that ever go wrong?
Rachel listens and then dumps him again.
Damn. This is the second-to-last time I will listen to that Uber driver.
Cocktail Party
Rachel, having for sure gotten rid of the LAST bad apple, returns to her party. The guys: "He's not coming back is he?" Rachel: "Fuck no."
Adam: "You can't pull the wool over her eyes."
As much as I want to, as it is the official beginning of the process of dollification.
I don't understand how the gimmicks are still going at Week 3. Do they give the guys some sort of crafting/props room? Tickler now has two giant, creepy hands: "I really have a HANDle on uh, what kind of guy she wants." GET IT?
I know women. She wants a guy who stays up all night paper macheying giant hands together to be able to spread the tickle over a larger surface area of her body.
Rachel: "Jonathan always manages to make me laugh."
The laughter is almost entirely always against my will but the point remains.
Rachel: "Every time I sit down and talk to Alex he was completing this Rubik's cube."
I guess in Russia they have a special technique of completing it where you just white out each cube and color in the right color.
Rachel mentions Kenny's layers again as he shows her pictures of him and his daughter.
There's the layer of him going to school dances with his daughter, there's the layer of going on trips with his daughter, there's even a layer of him making his Bachelorette intro video with his daughter!
Will continues to win over my heart: "I like to think that I won again tonight."
Urkillin it
Now there's a small gay panic storyline between Whacokehead and Aspiring Blake.
Aspiring Blake: "This show is about, 'Do you want to find love?' But I can't tell her what to do."
Whacokehead: "I think he just doesn't like me." Rachel: "Why?" Whacokehead: "I don't know if like, Blake has a crush on me. He was, you know over my bed, you know, uh peeling a banana. And he was like, licking the banana like this."
Rachel: "Is this a joke?"
Rachel asks Aspirer about eating a banana suggestively over Whacokehead while he sleeps.
Aspiring Blake refutes the least damaging aspect of this first: "Well, one of those is for sure not true because I don't eat carbs."
If the diet don't fit you must acquit!
Aspirer: "The more I talk about it, the more it sounds like I'm bitter and I'm the crazy one."
Whaaaa?! Nawww....
Rose Ceremony
Rachel sends both dipshits home. Whacokehead to Aspirer: "Sad day. Sad day in paradise." They both live in LA so I can only assume he somehow thought he'd already gotten to Bachelor in Paradise.
Sad day. I really thought you and I would be the next Jade and Tanner.
Aspiring Blake on his way out the door: "It's just unfortunate that I was in the same category as that drama."
I should've only been in the supporting actor category for that drama honestly.
Aspiring Blake: "The fact that I'm going home with the clown...--" Brief shot of the said clown drinking a water bottle.
Who even DOES this?!
Aspirer: "He ruined it for the both of us. We live in the same town. I can't get away from him." You know how when you live in the same tiny town of Los Angeles and can't avoid one person...
Whacokehead: "I don't give a shit about Blake! He's just a workout dietician!" Presumably he's asked if he's learned anything: "At this point I will take nothing with me." 
I snorted literally all of it.
Aspiring Blake now crashes Whacokehead's interview. He makes like he's going to hit him and taps him on the shoulder.
Aspiring Blake: "I just want to say, fuck you, bro. You're a piece of shit. You're here for the wrong reasons. I got drug into your bullshit and it kills me." Whacokehead: "Why am I here?" Aspirer: "You're here to be on fucking TV. Because you are a wannabe comedian. You're a washed up joke. I would've had a real shot at getting to know Rachel but you were too busy Whabooming!"
Whacokehead: "The thing is like, it's not about winning. It's about the world, brother. And you have no idea what the world needs."
The world needs more brave men screaming nonsense at accomplished women, you FOOL!
Aspirer continues to make no fucking sense: "You're the Whaboom clown. I'm the nice gentleman."
Whacokehead: "Go back to your protein shakes. Go back to your steroids."
Aspirer: "Just go back to your fucking garbage clown life, dude."
Whacokehead: "I'm a clown! Because I can be funny! You don't even know what funny looks like!" 
Aspirer makes monkey gestures and then fart gestures: "Whaboom is like, 'Wocka, wocka, pie in the face, wocka wocka, honk, honk, fart joke.'"
This idiot-off keeps going, presumably until this very day. We cut back to the house the next morning. Lord Harrison announces the first group date is going on the Ellen DeGeneres Show. The guys jump for joy.
Ellen DeGeneres Group Date
Rachel: "Ellen is my spirit animal." Ugh, fuck that's an annoying sentence.
You're losing me Rachie.
Rachel describes the guys to Ellen as they go through metal detectors, "This guy tickled me coming out of the limo." Ellen: "I don't like that. That's a horrible thing. Why is he still here?"
Why is he still here? You didn't see my starting group Ellen. Gentle harassment had to make the cut.
Ellen takes revenge for all of us.
Ellen brings the guys on stage and asks if anyone has kissed Rachel. Tickler: "I just want to know when my turn is." Jesus Christ.
Everyone takes turns, right? That's how women work?
Chiropractor Bryan, the fu----uuuucking creep, grabs the microphone from Ellen, "She's a great kisser." Will: "I second that." Bryan: "He got my sloppy seconds." This disgusts me. He reminds me a lot of Psycho Josh from Andi's season and BIPIII.
Before Ellen can even finish her request for the guys to take their shirts off and dance in the audience, Russian Alex is nude.
Ellen: "Tickle guy does not dance well."
Ellen then has the guys play Never Have I Ever. Who's thought about having sex with Rachel?
Yeah, no shit Frederick. The real question is have you ever thought about anything else?
Who's peed in the pool? Only Russian Alex.
I have a severe case of man-spreading. If I don't pee every five minutes it'll fall off.
Will: "I probably won't be going in moving forward. There's not enough chlorine in the world to kill that."
Who's texted a nude selfie?
Who's hooked up with someone twice their age? Just Frederick, which reinforces Rachel's conception that he's a cougar-hunter.
Frederick is annoyed that Rachel brings up him being a bad child again: "It's just, like, that was such a long time ago, OK?"
UGH. Rachel, why can't you see my balls dropped SO long ago?!
Rachel tells Russian Alex how much she loves his professional strip-dancing.
Alex loves how she looks in the correct eye for trustworthiness.
Will: "Never have I ever made out with Will." Rachel: "You are smooth!"
Never have I ever but I will do honestly, whatever you want Will
Meanwhile, Frederick couldn't be building up his kiss more: "I've been waiting twenty years to kiss her for like, 20 years, man. I'm not a boy anymore." Fred to Rachel: "I just wanna ask, you know, is this the time that you feel that I can k-kiss you?"
Frederick finally goes for it. He sees himself in a tuxedo and "her in a wedding gown."
Rachel is not into it: "I still see a boy. It was like a little boy was kissing me." She tells him she can't reciprocate the feelings.
It definitely didn't help that he kept moaning, "Miss Rachel, is this a good time to continue kissing you?"
Frederick is devastated.
They take the most awkward elevator ride ever. WHY did she bring the group date rose with her to dump him?
When you realize you should've just pretended you were a random adult instead of fixating on how she'd be a cradle-robber
Russian Alex gets the group date rose.
So about that champagne room follow-up?
Back at the Mansion...
Eric is starting to freak out that he's more into Rachel than she is into him: "I'm vulnerable as shit right now." 
He tells this to Colombian Bryan who agrees but then in his confessional he says, "She has absolutely no problem opening up."
With me and Rachel we've got sort of a Pringles once you pop situation if you know what I mean...
Anthony's One-on-One Horse Date
For Rachel's date with Anthony, they ride horses down Rodeo drive.
Anthony is immediately way too into the horse aspect and quickly leaves Rachel behind.
They take the horses into stores and delight in picking up some cowboy hats and tacky jackets that say "Beverly Hills Chic" on them... Anthony also immediately goes for the bright red cowboy boots...
They get a horse cupcake from a cupcake vending machine. This date feels like the fever dream of some producer who was like IT'S PRETTY WOMAN + CITY BOY + DALLAS = GOLD. DON'T OVERTHINK IT.
Next Rachel rides Anthony. Coincidentally, he also shits himself.
They finish the date probably where they shot La La Land. Anthony talks about how his childhood was quaint but they were "rich in love" and how he just wants to give back.
He gets the rose and they dance to a jazz quartet.
In case Bachelor Nation wasn't already asleep, here's some jazz.
Back at the mansion...
Eric continues to discuss with the dudes how he's not sure if Rachel is being real and ready for how "emotionally available" he is right now. Iggy: "I'd been hearing Eric's insecurities all day and finally I decided to interject." 
It's time for Iggy Kent to take off his glasses and become SuperMeddler
Iggy interjects: "That's bullshit."
Eric: "No one asked for your-- for your input."
Mud Group Date
Rachel brings in a group of women from her season that she calls "my girls" six hundred thousand times.
Here's a little preview of your options if you make it to Bachelor in Paradise!
These are my girls. I thought now would be the perfect time to introduce some competition for myself.
I'm going to take you and you and you on clean up.
The group gets on a party bus and they make the Firefighter dance on the pole.
Kenny volunteers himself next and works it. Rachel: "You've been in Vegas way too long."
Kenny's layers clean the pole
Raven asks Firefighter and Angry Musician Lee who isn't there for the right reasons. They both say Eric.
Even Raven knows that directly asking two separate guys who is a bad dude and getting the same answer might be a clue in a negative direction...
The group arrives at a bar with a Texas flag, a sandbox filled with mud, and fifty screaming women wearing jewel tones.
Whether Adam's face is for the women or the mud, IT AIN'T RIGHT.
Lil Deanie is horrified.
A mud wrestling date in tiny shorts is genius. Rachel can figure out who's closeted. Statistically in a Bachelorette season it's around 40-90%.
I've already seen how much psychological shit you've gone through to win my love...
Dolphin Alexis: "I hope they're wearing Speedos." IF BACHELOR IN PARADISE IS CANCELLED AND THIS IS ALL WE HAVE OF HER. I CAN'T.
The men do push ups to prepare.
Someone has changed Adam Junior's clothes and leaned him on a post.
Model Brady emerges looking like he's a robot who's just gained enough sentience to kill start killing people.
Rachel's girls are loving it.
Firefighter says: "I'm in my element."
Mud-wrestling shirtless dudes is honestly like, 99% of firefighting.
As people do in the background on any date, women from the crowd scream things like, "Let me see your junk!" and "Let me see that butt!"
A haunting woman rings a bell to start the first fight.
THIS IS JUST HOW YOU FIND LOVE, GUYZZZZ
Wrestler Kenny is forced to perform his job for free.
Rachel's girls wear protective jackets.
The post-mud interviews are horrifying.
I don't know anything about superheros but this feels like something
Wrestler Kenny somehow loses at his one job to Firefighter.
Rachel's girls discuss while the guys hose down outside. Tiffany Trump likes Adam but Jazz likes Dean. Raven passes along her red flag information about Eric.
Later at cocktails...
Wrestler Kenny reveals to Rachel that he used to be a Chippendales dancer and shows her his moves. 
Just when you think that's my final form BOOM another layer!
Rachel the layer slayer
Adam asks what Rachel wants in a man in one word. Rachel: "Secure."
Does his doll companion have to be just as secure or is it OK if he's a little more timid?
Red Flag Eric: "I've been running from my feelings my whole life."
Rachel: "Twice you were mentioned."
Red Flag flags the group down: People "feel my motives are not real."
Musician Lee defends himself: "Have you or have you not experienced love?"
I feel like that definitely wasn't the question...
Eric thinks Firefighter is genuine and Musician Lee is not. Musician Lee: "Last night I walked in and you were screaming."
Eric: "Are you afraid of me?" Eric's confessional: "Lee has a lot of snake in his blood."
This isn't resolved and Red Flag gets the group date rose: "It validated a lot for me that night."
Cocktail Party
Russian Alex smartly saved his heinous purple zebra stripe suit for a cocktail party where he already had a rose.
Iggy dishes to Rachel about how he bravely defended her honor to Red Flag Eric.
Iggy then tells Eric what he did. Iggy continues to talk to everyone like he's in the middle of a business meeting: "I think your opportunities for growth are to listen a little more."
I think some of your areas needing improvement include listening more and cooperating with others...
Lee: "I'm gonna like, throw him under the bus and I'll feel good about doing it.."
When you've got perma-whiskey-dick, you gotta get your rocks off where you can.
Lee's confessional: "This is the shit-talking night." Lee tells Rachel he heard Eric screaming at Iggy last night.
Rachel then asks Eric about him questioning her.
Eric gathers up the boys for a chat: "All this week, my name is in everybody's mouth... If I fail let that be for me, not for you." Firefighter: "Everyone's going to talk shit. That's just the nature of this game right here." Lee gives Eric a creepy wink.
Eric: "I feel like, maybe I'm a threat to you guys. Cos my name is in your mouth!"
TO BE CONTINUED
So far they haven't really discussed race. It's been hinted at-- Lord Harrison calling Rachel's season "special." But next week looks like we get into it!
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