By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 5 (Air Date: 6/26/17)
I don't remember last week ending on a TO BE CONTINUED from another one of Chiropractor Bryan and Rachel's boring-ass cheesy conversations but APPARENTLY that's where we start... Bryan tells Rachel he's been writing nice things about her down on napkins. They're sitting on a boat that is so bizarrely well-lit this looks like it's a scene from a shitty soap opera. Bryan: "Here’s the deal. You think I’m too good to be true for you. And if I feel you’re too good to be true for me, it's a very simple solution. I just think we’re a perfect match."
Bryan: "I feel like we’re going to fall in love at the end of this... I’m going all in. And I’m not gonna stop."
We leave these lovebirds and come back to Wrestler Kenny vs. Racist POS. Kenny's pulled him outside.
Lee: "So how’s it not dead?"
Kenny: "Here's how it's not dead, Lee. You don't listen."
Lee: "I listen to everything! I’m gonna shut up right now."
Kenny: "Apparently Rachel thinks that I'm some aggressive, angry, antagonistic, but mostly aggressive sort."
Lee: "I was just being honest."
Kenny: "You’re a disinegenuous snake now. Before I thought you were my friend... Lee if I wanted to..."
Lee: "So you wanted to get violent that night. So you have an unrealistic, violent aspect about you."
Kenny: "Look at you trying to twist shit around. You’re a dime-store psychologist."
Racist POS: "I have no doubt in my mind that you’re a stack of bleeding muscle right now."
Kenny: "You’re caught in your snakey ways. Bye snakey! Bye snakey! See, what a bitch does when a bitch is confronted?" This is the episode of everyone calling everyone bitches but 'Bye Snakey' is by far my favorite line.
Racist POS to camera: "I really don’t even care. This is interesting. I’m totally in his head."
Bryan gets the Group Date Rose for his napkin notes. As soon as Rachel leaves, Kenny takes this opportunity to barely-passive-aggressively dig at Snakey, calling Bryan: "A classy dude. He hasn't snaked other dudes to get to where he's at. That's very important not being a bitch ass dude."
Lee: "Fuck you!"
Kenny: "Ooh B. You’d be a stain on that couch."
Kenny: "I would like to lay my dick on your fucking chin." Honestly I can't really tell what the cusses are but this is my best guess.
Kenny now loudly whispers repeatedly: "Lee, you’re a bitch. Whisper, whisper, whisper. I'll shit in your cowboy boots."
Racist POS: "I’m here to mess with everybody and it’s working."
One of my researchers tells me that Racist POS didn't apply to be on the show but the show came to him, further poking holes in the narrative that the producers didn't know his character. Important:
Jack Stone's One-on-One
I FORGOT ABOUT THIS. AMAZING. Side note, Rachel swings her arms super stiffly when she walks. Other side note, I exclaim, "She's so beautiful!" several times every episode.
Rachel talks about Jack Stone: "We're both attorneys, both around the same age, both live in Dallas. We're a perfect match on paper."
They go oyster shucking and Jack Stone begins a series of some of the craziest faces of this season.
Next they go dancing.
Jack Stone: "What better way to get comfortable with each other than to learn a new dance?"
Jack Stone sums up Rachel's job as Bachelorette in a request to her: "Act like you're kind of enjoying it even though I know I'm the worst."
Jack Stone: "I couldn't be happier and more comfortable." Rachel tells Jack Stone she's contagiously sick to avoid kissing him.
Jack Stone: "It's worth it."
BACK AT THE HOTEL…
My favorite, Will, tries to explain to my least favorite, Racist POS, why him calling Kenny aggressive might offend him: "When you call him aggressive-- there is a long-standing history in this country regarding black men in America as aggressive to justify a lot of other things."
Racist POS is suddenly enlightened: "So he's the guy that gets mad and plays the race card and tries to get away with everything he does because he can't control himself."
Will: "I don't think he meant to play the race card. I think he truly was offended by it. He’s taking it as a very negative and potentially racially-charged… Those of us that are left are gonna have to co-exist."
Will to camera: "It's not part of his kind of experience... due to just ignorance on his part on how certain words can really trigger people. Hopefully he gets it."
Racist POS to camera: "I don’t understand the race card. But it got played, apparently."
Back to Jack Stone's Date...
Jack Stone continuously makes these faces where he lowers his forehead as much as possible to look up at you underneath his brow and it makes my skin crawl. He's "falling for Rachel".
It’s hard watching two people have a completely different date.
Rachel: "Today for me was not just about exploring Bluffton. It was about exploring Jack."
Jack Stone reminds me of Jim Carrey in Liar Liar when he’s losing his mind.
Jack Stone tells Rachel that he feels like he gets that her Dad "probably has a really big sense of humor."
Rachel: "You don't even know him."
Jack Stone: "I feel like I get him."
Rachel asks him where he would take her if they went back to Dallas together.
Jack Stone: "So this is going to sound really cheesy. First off, I’d lock the door. Like, I would push everything out, and then we'd just sit down and hang out, and just like, lay in bed and hang out, honestly. I think that's the best way to just chill."
Rachel: "That didn’t sound great to me."
Rachel tells Jack Stone she's not feeling it. Why does Rachel keep picking up the rose to dump people? Jack Stone's wide smile immediately fades and he appears to enter a catatonic all-eyebrow state.
He remains silent uncomfortably long so Rachel starts tearing up: "I think you’re a really great person... I don’t know what else to say.”
Kenny describes Lee: "He used the majority of his time to make her think that I'm some kind of aggressive sociopath... That's what snakes do, baby. They slither."
Rachel cancels the cocktail party. Doll Guy is still here? He's worried: "I feel like she hasn't seen the full Adam yet. She's gotten a glimpse. She's had a snack. But I want to give her the full kitchen."
Kenny: "Yeah he’s Repti-Lee-an. Yeah, he’s a Leezard."
Kenny gestures a snake slithering during the rose ceremony. Then he uses his other hand to pounce on it. Who is this a signal to?
Tickler and Iggy go home. Tickler TICKLES her leaving.
Iggy starts crying: "It’s always frustrating to be told you’re not wanted. Talking about the other guys was a waste of time. This has been the single most revealing process of my entire life. I've learned more about me in the past four weeks than I have in 30 years." What? How?
The Gang heads to Oslo!
Alex asleep on the plane is hilarious.
Rachel skips around Oslo. Hot Peter admires the view but Bachelor Nation has no idea what the fuck he's talking about.
Rachel grabs Bryan for the first date. Ugh. Dean says something dumb: "It wouldn’t be surprising if he didn’t come back." Josiah: "Brah, she likes Bryan."
They get on a public bus?
Bryan: "I feel like we’ve barely even talked about the basics."
Rachel: "Yeah we’re always physical or it’s me telling you I’m scared because you're so charming."
Bryan: "Hopefully I can just get rid of all these other guys in her mind and, you know, hopefully move on to Hometowns and Final Rose."
They approach a giant metallic penis that they're going to repel down.
Rachel adorably says they're 187 feet high which is the number code for "Murder!" She's so beautiful...
As they repel down, Bryan demands: "Kiss kiss kiss!"
Rachel: "No." Bryan doesn't take no for an answer though and makes her kiss him.
Rachel: "Bryan has this confidence that's contagious... When I see Bryan I see forward."
I fucking hope Josh in disguise doesn’t win.
Back at the Mansion...
Eric tells Gentle Giant Anthony he's not sure Rachel likes black dudes because only one has gotten a One-on-One. Anthony doesn’t think it’s like that and that she's "just guarded."
LATER AT DRINKS...
Rachel tells Bryan that her sister was the pretty one growing up and until college she was: "like the boy of my sisters." It should be noted that in college she dated Kevin Durant.
Bryan shares his own ugly duckling story: "Picture me with about 25 to 30 less pounds... I was rail-thin. I had acne."
Bryan: "I’m truly falling in love with you... It's gonna be me."
Bryan's acne reveal and that he's falling in love, passes Rachel's emotional opening up test, and she gives him the rose.
Rachel: "I like Bryan. I like Bryan a lot. A LOT."
Back at Mansion...
Kenny and Lee get the Two-on-One Date. Lee: "Shocker."
Racist POS: "I feel good, I feel great, about myself." Lee wipes his cowboy boots like he’s going to kick the shit out of Kenny.
Bryan gives Wrestler Kenny some advice: "Don't even think about him and just focus on her."
The guys see a bunch of European youths playing handball. This is definitely not what I thought handball was.
Alex's hair looks insane and of course he has played this bizarre sport before.
Dean would make a really beautiful woman. Gigi Hadid maybe. Ooh RUBY ROSE.
Josiah: "I don’t got no Donald Trump hands. I’ve got these real hands. You know what I’m saying?" First DT ref and it's about how tiny his dick probably is!! Hooray!!!
I am a huge fan of these outfits they put the dudes in. Much skimpier than the example players' outfits.
Hot Peter chest bumps Rachel.
Hot Peter grabs her tit!
Josiah: "My man Peter Clark Kent picks her up. He’s got a handful of ass. All I could think was damn I wish that was me.”
Will is killing it.
Dean wears his jockstrap outside his shorts? WHYYYYY???
THEY BROUGHT THE DOLL TO NORWAY!!
Back at the Hotel...
Kenny Facetimes his daughter and starts crying. Kenny: "Rachel’s picking between a man and a snake."
They're setting this up as good vs. evil. Racist POS lifts weights in his cowboy boots.
Racist POS: "My strategy for this date is to spark a flame because there's been a lot of sparks. I just want a flame."
Lee: "It feels good to be the one smiling when somebody's really pissed off." There's no shred of empathy or recognition that Kenny is another human being.
Group Date Cocktails
Rachel chats with Will first as the handball MVP. Will opens up about how someone left him "who [he] was very much in love with." Then he tells her: "I’m definitely feeling you."
Rachel: "Yeah I like you too." They make out!!!!!
Alex reads Rachel a letter about getting lost in her eyes... Matt is somehow still here and shows her a piece of fabric he's sown song lyrics onto...
Josiah: "I honest to God believe that you are the woman for me... I just want to grow old with you."
Rach is skeptical: "I feel like when you and I talk, you don’t ask questions about me... I want to know that you asked those questions and it’s not what you read about me."
Josiah: "You're so perceptive and I love that about you."
Rachel: "He sounds very disingenuous. I think he’s more fascinated with the idea of me."
Back at the Mansion...
Kenny: "Rachel is Eve. I’m Adam. There’s a slippery little snake in the garden. And tomorrow, the serpent isn’t going to seduce Eve."
Racist POS: "I’m not going to sit here and be a bitch and complain about a two-on-one… I’m gonna smile. And take his girl."
Back on the Group Date...
Hot Peter: "I can see through the subtleties of what you do, which is like your eye contact throughout the night. Why am I the only person who picks up on that?" What??
Rachel: "He notices things about me that no one else does. When I’m with Peter he’s very lasered in to me and I feel it."
They make out on the roof.
Rachel: "We have so much ground to cover."
Hot Peter: "Do you want to cover it in the hot tub?"
I SCREAMED WHEN YOU SEE RACHEL IN HOT TUB WITH PETER.
Hot Peter: "She feels the same way I do." Yeah no shit she does.
Peter rejoins the group. Someone: "Hey Mr. 3.5 hours. You’ve got some lipstick on your collar man you need to wipe it off."
Will gets the group date rose! Peter looks sad, "I maybe didn’t stand out as much as I thought I did."
Wrestler Kenny vs. Racist POS Date
Hot Peter is wearing his emo hoodie the following morning, butthurt.
Josiah: "You've got this asshole from the South just pricking his needle in you every single day. I see why he lashes out... that Southern charm. It's all a facade. He is fake and he's a snake in the grass and today she's gonna chop that head off."
They go in a helicopter. Rachel: "With this situation it really comes down to who I trust. The drama between Kenny and Lee has been so great that it’s bleeding into the relationship that I have with each of them."
Rachel: "This is the home of the Vikings guys."
Racist POS: "If he gets aggressive, I’m just gonna smile. Maybe wink. I know that the smiling is probably more piercing to him than if I were to get into a yelling match with Kenny. Oh it makes him mad. Apparently enough to shit in my boots."
Stock footage of a snake slithering...
Wrestler Kenny: "I’m real. And this is a caricature of a man."
RACHEL TALKS TO KENNY FIRST
So, he’s not wearing the shirt that gets blood on it?? I'm pretty sure that was lavender... This SHOW.
Kenny tells Rachel he wants his "daughter to emulate her qualities." He also says that he didn't handle the situation as well as possible, that he yelled at Lee, and "called him a snake to his face. Didn’t put my hands on him."
Rachel: "My gut feeling from Kenny is to trust him."
SHOT OF KENNY AND LEE IGNORING EACH OTHER. Birds chirp.
Kenny: "Look at where you are and what your’e doing and just be thankful.
I just had a wonderful conversation with the woman... Everything’s back on track. I couldn’t feel better about today."
Lee's confessional: "I can be pretty calculating sometimes but I'm in it to win it... Kenny thinks I’m dumb. He thinks I’m this ignorant country boy. And I’m not."
RACHEL CHATS WITH RACIST POS
Lee: "I didn’t quite know how to take that when we talked. When I get called a bitch and a snake."
Rachel: "Didn't know about bitch."
Lee: "And when he said he’s going to shit in my boots. When he comes to the van and tries to pull me out of the van, violently name-calling, all I can do is smile."
Rachel: "What do you mean 'pulls you out of the van'?"
Lee: "He goes to the van that I'm in and he goes, 'Is Lee in that van? Is that bitch in that van?'... It’s silly to me. So I laughed... It’s only when he drinks. He has a side that comes out. He talked to me one night about this dark side he has. I'm never gonna lie to you."
Rachel: "I know there are truths in what both of them are saying. And I feel there are exaggerations in what both of them are saying... I said I was going to leave Lawyer Rache at home but I just really need to get down to the bottom of this."
We see the same snake again.
They’re freezing as Rachel grabs Kenny again.
Racist POS: "I might get a punch to the jaw at some point."
Rachel tells Kenny what Lee said: "Lee told me that you very violent with him. You were aggressive. He said that you have a dark side and that you pulled him out of a van. And I feel like it’s important for me to be honest."
Kenny: "This short-stack Southern piece of garbage..." I love when he calls him Short-Stack.
Kenny walks down the hill laughing and yelling: "Whooo hooo hoooo!"
TO BE CONTINUED...