By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 6 (Air Date: 2/06/17)
I'm not going to lie. I was slightly down on our show last week. I could not take all that ghost shit. But Bachelor once again proved me a COMPLETELY IDIOTIC cynic and bounced back in a big way. This was the Red Wedding of Bachelor episodes and maybe the only thing that's brought me pure joy in months.
Constable Taylor's Last Stand
Taylor comes back from the dead, now imbued with the magical powers of the actors from the bayou seance, and crashes Nick's one-on-one date with Tiffany Trump. We hear Tiffany Trump exclaim, "What the fuck is she doing here?" She definitely doesn’t say that line at that moment. Nick instinctively covers his face. Taylor says she has two things, #1: Corinne lied today. #2 she asks Nick to come talk to her.
Corinne has a wonderful back and forth with the producers while they're talking: "Why is she here?... I hate her... I'm having an anxiety attack... This is supposed to be my time with him. She’s an evil, annoying, lying bitch.”"
Taylor meanwhile bullies Nick and repeats the same shit she said to him in the forest. Nick: "I don’t respect bullies... I don't think you're a bully." Constable Taylor: "I just-- I want you to like, open your eyeballs."
Nick comes back and explains to Corinne: "She just wanted to express herself." Taylor finally goes home.
Tiffany Trump's confessional: "What I learned tonight is cats have nine lives, bitches have two... Taylor, I’m sorry Nick doesn’t want you. You lost today. You’re done. And don’t ever call me a liar in front of my boyfriend."
Lord Harrison announces there’s no cocktail party and that the women should "get [their] thoughts together."
Jaimi wears purple sendoff lipstick. Dolphin Alexis, Jaimi, and Josephine go home.
Nick seems to have been given a note before this episode to try to inject some personality into the show. He attempts so at first by enthusiastically yelling a speech at the women about going to St. Thomas, "It's a place that could not BE more romantic..."
They go to St. Thomas
Nick continues taking the note too far. Nick: "You know, I love the island living!"
I would love to see a YouTube compilation of all the different people saying “X is the perfect place to fall in love." There's a bizarre up-crotch shot of Nick in a small plane.
The women are forced to welcome Nick's arrival by lining up and cheering his name as his plane flies by.
They must've told Nick to pretend he's waving at the women. It's the only explanation for why he is waving from the opposite side of the plane that’s so far away.
Kristina gets the first one-on-one date and Jasmine starts crying. Whitney and Jasmine haven’t gotten individual dates.
Jazz: "I didn't think it would be like this at all."
Kristina's Sad Childhood Date
Kristina speaks Russian. Nick says like Sean Connery: "I find that fashinating."
Nick, reading out the lines that the producers are giving him, hopes he can "knock down these walls that Kristina has up." His only piece of flair he adds is his lisp.
Back at the hotel...
They hire a local PA, Lorna, and give her to the group as a surrogate Nanny.
Back to Kristina...
Kristina tells her incredibly depressing life story. She grew up in Russia and never had food as a child. Her Mom told her not to eat one day but she disobeyed and ate LIPSTICK and then her Mom kicked her out of the house. She joined an orphanage, and then later chose to transfer to the US to avoid a life of prostitution.
Nick’s face is so dumb listening to this story.
Kristina calls her choice to give up her whole life behind in Russia, leaving behind a life in black and white for a life in color in America.
Nick: "Thank you for sharing."
Nick: "When I was six I was crying about going to kindergarten. I can't even begin to try to relate."
Nick: “When I’m with you I feel like you bring color to my life.”
Chad (@BachelorClues): "You’re my America. Kaitlyn was my Russia."
Kristina and Nick go for some traditional post-sob-story dancing.
Nightmare Beach Group Date
This is the episode of Nick’s dumbass waves.
Nick asks a series of rapid-fire questions that give him a statistical survey of insight into all of their characters: "Chocolate or Vanilla?" Vanessa screams, "Chocolate!" Nick: "Someone likes their sweets."
Raven always sounds like she’s auditioning to host some sort of offshoot Miss America pageant.
Nick gets all the girls wasted, "Shots!!"
They play drunken beach games.
NICK DOES THIS DANCE. Nick: "I feel like a drunk little baby dinosaur."
They start playing beach volleyball and no one likes it. Raven: "I'm sure Corinne would be an amazing volleyball player if she wasn't drunk." Corinne: “I hate this. Oh my god I’m so athletic. I’m going to sleep."
Nick calls her back over, so Corinne pounds shots and then tries to leap into his arms, wasted. Possibly my favorite moment, as Vanessa shoots them the evil eye from afar.
Nick: "I thought you were about to like, take me down."
Danielle M is "tired of Nick always going after [Corinne]."
Corinne is literally the only person trying to have fun on the date. She holds hands with America's Sweetheart Rachel so she can't be that bad. The intensity of the volleyball game heats up.
Jazz chases Nick around the court.
They just called Raven in for a day to retell this entire love story in corny puns: "If Jasmine was a vegetable, she'd be a turnip, because she is turned all the way up!"
Jazz: "Rachel, keep talking shit, bitch!"
Jazz then knocks Tiffany Trump onto the sand.
Rachel quits the game saying, "I'm not going to compete for Nick's attention."
Does this volleyball game even have stakes? Do they get more time if they win? Why are they all so upset? I feel like they cut something major out.
Vanessa: "I'm just fed up of having to compete for time." She starts crying.
Danielle M cries.
Now they’re all sitting by themselves on the beach, crying. Except Corinne, who is asleep.
This is like the PIG ISLAND DISASTER on Ben’s Season all over again. I wonder if it's related to everyone being naked.
Later at Group Date Cocktail Hour...
Next Bachelorette/Lawyer Rachel expresses her negative feelings about the beach portion of the day.
She insinuates that she was about to leave, "I just feel like I'm out of my element, 100%... I was not about to come here tonight."
Nick tries to assuage her fears by telling her that he also lost his mind when he was in her shoes: "I had anxiety. I had panic attacks. I couldn’t sleep. I drove myself insane." He then does his stump speech thanking her for communicating her thoughts. Rachel: "Even if I’m on my way out I will let you know."
NICK: "I WOULD LOSE MY MIND IF YOU WIGGED OUT AND WERE LIKE-- THEN YOU PEACED OUT."
Back at the Hotel...
Danielle L throws out some made up Two-on-One date statistics, "You know, 99% of the time, only one person comes back."
The Sanderson Poe episode was the best two-on-one.
Back at Cocktails...
Raven: "Jazz seems to be making a turn into the emotional side." Jazz: "How patient can you fucking be?"
Turnt Jazz wants to punch Nick because, "anyone with me would be so thankful to have me."
Nick is calling the women in order of how much he likes them.
Jazz: "I’m not here to be on your roster and have a good time... I've been to St. Thomas. I don't need to be here."
Second physical threat by Jazz: "I like him so much but I want to choke him right now."
Rachel identifies that Jazz is "in her head." Last time she said a woman was in her head, it was Dominique and she immediately got dumped. Jazz confronts Nick about not getting special time with him.
Nick: "So, I mean, you-- you are OK or not?" She’s SO clearly not OK.
Jazz: "I want to fucking choke you so bad..."
JAZZ FAKE CHOKES NICK. NICK MAKES THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE FACE THERE’S EVER BEEN.
Jazz doesn't notice how not into it he is: "I just want to like, throw your ass down, put you in the chokey."
Jazz: "Do you want me to show you?" Nick: "No, not even a little."
She takes it further: "I can get on top of you, like straddle you..."
Nick: "I'm not into that." Jazz: "I'll save it."
Nick: " I didn’t have the best conversation with Jasmine."
Nick dumps Jazz.
Nick: "It’s never easy to say goodbye to anyone."
Jazz: “I mean, it could have happened. It was gonna happen..." She doesn't think he gave her a chance.
Apparently Raven gets the group date rose but we don't see it.
Danielle L vs. Silent Whitney
Nick: "What do you say we get going?" He sounds like their drunk surf instructor.
It’s really weird hearing Whitney's voice so much. She sounds like she’s talking in a post-game about her volleyball match: "Going into today, doing the same thing..."
Nick: "I don’t know if you’ve noticed but you’re really beautiful." He swipes his paw up her entire leg.
Nick then asks Danielle L, "When you ask yourself 'could I spend the rest of my life with Nick', what are some of the things you asked yourself?"
Nick likes her answers and goes to talk to Whitney.
Nick: "Obviously I just talked to Danielle... That made me think more of our conversation."
Nick: "I feel like, in my heart, I just feel like I can't."
Whitney throws shade: "I think it’s easier to let a relationship evolve when you spend more time with the other person."
Nick: "I wish nothing but the best for you."
They have a weirdly long break up hug.
MORE LUGGAGE DRAMA!
Yesssss they’re leaving her on the beach as they helicopter away!!!
Nick doesn't appear stoked on his choice.
Whitney: "I just didn't see that coming."
Whitney has literally never been rejected by a man before
Back at the Hotel...
Vanessa: "I’m still a little shaken by this entire week."
This is the first time we've heard them talk shit on D-Lo. Danielle M: "I don't see him and D-Lo together."
D-Lo One-on-One Date
D-Lo's vocal fry is Kardashian worthy. D-Lo: "Dancing has become our thing."
D-Lo has said a million times that she’s "almost" falling in love.
Nick comes back to his love questionnaire: "If you could take out, say communication and honesty, what is kind of like one or two words that you would, a way to describe the type of relationship you'd want?" D-Lo: "Love. Trust."
Nick: "I think it would be adventurous. I think it would be raw." Corinne is definitely the most adventurous and raw.
D-Lo tells Nick: "I am falling in love with you." NICK DOES ANOTHER WEIRD THING WITH HIS HAND. D-Lo acts like this is their inside joke: "I know. My hands."
NICK DUMPS D-LO. Tears stream down his face: "It was more the idea of something."
D-Lo doesn't look that sad for getting dumped by the person she just said she's falling in love with. Nick is surface level but he’s not as surface level as Danielle.
Nick: "Maybe it's me."
Danielle is the most beautiful crier.
Nick looks like he’s about to kill himself. THIRD SUITCASE DRAMA!!!
RACHEL IS THE 'IN-HIS/HER-HEAD-WHISPERER'. Rachel: "I think right now, Nick is in his head."
Nick wonders if he's "trying too hard to make it work."
Tiffany Trump: "It’s just us."
Nick storms into their hotel room, CRYING...
I feel pure fucking joy. Am I an asshole? Nick explains to the women what happened, "It’s a relationship that just kind of fell flat." Then he tells them he's worried it will keep happening. Why is he telling them this?
Nick: "Right now I feel terrified that it’s not going to happen. I don’t know if I can keep doing this." Gotta feel pretty good if you’re D-Lo right now. You broke him.
Nick runs out.
SCENES: literally everyone is crying. but Corinne is going to fuck the sadness away.