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By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 5 (Air Date: 1/30/17)
Before I get into it, @BachelorClues captured Nick's soul in a video and this should be noted for the historical record:
Cocktail Party
We're back in the middle of Tiffany Trump and Constable Taylor's "emotional intelligence" squabble. Constable: "I just had to describe what emotional intelligence IS."
And describing it really put me out, it's definitely my least favorite thing to patronizingly define on a LONG list.
Tiffany Trump's super drunk at this point in her confessional: "I'm like, that's not what I'm fucking talking about, you dumb bitch."
Tiffany Trump tries to vaguely explain to Taylor how she acts like a bitch in the house telling her that she has "this stank look" on her face.
Constable Taylor's confessional: "Corinne you need to shut the fuck up and let me talk!"
Constable Taylor reenacts to Corinne how it would look if she pretended to like everyone: "I'm SO happy to see ALL of you!"
I'm SO happy to see all of you. I SO identify with your inferior level of conversations. I SO don't want to use my connections to have a few of you committed.
Tiffany Trump can't.
She also can't stop her empathetic heart though: "It hurts me FOR Nick."
Tiffany Trump: "The way you're feeling right now is the way I felt yesterday. Alone and sad." Constable Taylor stankly states: "I don't feel either of those things."
I don't feel either of those things and we all know which one of us has a Masters Degree in Feelings.
Tiffany Trump: "Well, you should, because half the people in there think that you're not here for the right reasons." Constable Taylor: "I don't see me being here for the wrong reasons and I don't see me not being nice."
Tiffany Trump confronts Nick: "I'm not going to be fake or a liar or anything like that." Nick: "Great!" Then she rips into Taylor, using Taylor's own arguments against her, saying how she ignores people in the house: "She just feels very entitled... I don't think she's 'here for the right reasons.'
Constable Taylor can't stand what an inefficient waste of time this all is: "It is SO unproductive."
Honestly, we'd have collectively cured cancer by now if Corinne hadn't been here.
Nick continues to dole out gold stars for the women's behavior: "I would encourage you to continue to show that maturity."
If you keep this behavior up for another week you'll earn ten Nick Dollars!
Tiffany Trump's confessional: "I smacked the shit out of her and she doesn't even know it."
Tiffany Trump attempts to be as many memes as possible: "I feel so good! I'm the queen! Hashtag winning. The Taylor Ship has sailed. Bye bitch."
The girls look so cold and tired.
Lord Harrison asks Nick about the drama. Nick maintains that he doesn't want to get into it and that: "Some of that stuff will work itself out."
Let the women work out their woman problems by themselves. There's no way I could expend energy on helping to mediate any of their conflicts. I've already descended deep into Mumble-Land. I am barely standing up right now honestly.
Tiffany Trump: "Who looks stupid now bitch? See you never."
Rose Ceremony
The women look FREEZING as the great torture experiment continues.
When is Nick NOT going to say this is the most difficult decision he's had to make? He should straight up be like actually this week was relatively easy. Several clear duds.
Josephine looks like she wakes up from a coma, completely disoriented, every time her name is called.
Tiffany Trump: "Hopefully he can just send that monster home."
The emotional rivals both get roses though.
DAMNIT ASTRID GOES HOME. And Sarah.
Constable Taylor's confessional: "[Corinne] can say whatever the fuck she wants to say... If shit is thrown at my face I’m going to catch it and throw it back."
If shit is thrown in my face, I wipe enough shit off to get a good-sized handful, and then I hurl it back, and now some of the shit is back on her face. Who's stank now?
They go to New Orleans...
Nick: "Couldn't be more excited about being in New Orleans."
They could not have chosen a less excited shot of Nick.
He watches a child street performer do splits for him.
Can you pls show my contestants this before fantasy suites?
Dolphin Alexis imitates a Southern woman: "I like gators, grits, and a gooood time."
The girls dance in the streets and try on masks.
Winter is coming. And so is yet another Tag starring me.
Lord Harrison greets the contestants
He delights in announcing the two-on-one date is this week so "one of you will probably be going home."
And therefore ALL of you should spend the next few days in drunken, utter fear. We all know this is exactly the process that one needs to go through to find true love so it's all worth it in the end!
Next-Bachelorette-Rachel gets the one-on-one.
Next-Bachelorette-Rachel's Date
Nick asks Rachel a completely rhetorical question if she wants to go shopping or "just make out right here."
He answers the question for her and moves her around on his shoes.
When the Bachelor makes you his literal puppet
Nick pretends to be an alligator, and cleverly improvs: "I'm going to eat you."
Next they have silly fun with food!
Next-Bachelorette Rachel: "At least oysters are an aphrodisiac." It would be fantastic if they fucked at the end of this date.
They show Nick eating a beignet for longer than they show the pair's entire conversation.
Not going to lie, this shit is porn for me...
One artist's rendition:
Next-Bachelorette-Rachel is delighted by this humanizing display.
A second line dance parade then approaches the couple. They give a black umbrella to Nick and a white umbrella to Rachel. They dance down the street and make out.
SYMBOLISM
THEY DO THE PARADE ON THE ROAD OUTSIDE THE GIRLS' HOTEL ROOM SO THEY HAVE TO WATCH.
This is like Jojo and Ben’s date with the helicopter where the rest of the girls see them in the middle of their date. And she became The Bachelorette.
This show's SOLE intention is to help people find love tho. Def not modern psychological torture.
Nick then does a lot of creepy sociopath shit to Rachel while they're at a concert.
EXHIBIT A: NICK’S CLAW HAND.
EXHIBIT B: THE SOCIOPATH'S STARE
WHEN YOU WANNA EAT HER LIKE A BEIGNET BUT YOU GOTTA PRETEND LIKE YOU DON'T EAT PEOPLE
They then show an ad for "do you want to date our next Bachelorette?" BUT WHOEVER WILL IT BE?!?!?
Later at Mardi Gras World...
Nick and Rachel get to know each other in the presence of creepy clowns. Nick: "He's as cool as he is creepy."
He's one of those lovable creeps where you still want to believe in his love story, you know?
Nick to Rachel re: waiting a long time for the one-on-one date: "Um, I like to think it was worth the wait."
UGH. WE KNOW, NICK.
Nick: "You surpassed all of my expectations." More of him treating it like a competition he’s in charge of.
I'm going to mark you under "Exceeds expectations". Let's see if you can work your way up to "Consistently exceeds expectations" or ultimately, "Demonstrates extreme enthusiasm for all tasks" in the Fantasy Suite portion.
Nick gleefully one-ups Rachel when she says her parents have been married 36 years. Nick: "38!"
My parents have been married for 38 years and honestly my Mom was pregnant for 37 of them.
Rachel reveals her Dad is a federal judge and Nick asks a bunch of dumb questions like, "Do I have to call him Sir?"
Nick then gets deep and says he's insecure about the fact that he's already asked two fathers for their daughter's hand in marriage.
Rachel reveals she's surprised how she has such strong feelings for Nick "this early on." Nick's response: "Well, good."
Oh, so the pressure on your psyche from being cut off from the outside world for so long, the constant drunken interrogation of your feelings, and the sleep deprivation are all working! Good!
Nick GOES FUCKING ROGUE: "I might be breaking rules here, but I'm super into you."
You know, I'm really not familiar with the Bachelor Code of Rules. I haven't been doing the Bachelor franchise shows for the past 5 years as my only job. And I definitely don't keep the rulebook by my bed at night and jerk off to it while staring at myself in the mirror.
Rachel's confessional: The girl I am now is not the girl I started this as. Really?
HIM??
Honestly, he sucks so much, part of me's not buying it and thinks she might be in on it with the producers to become the next Bachelorette.
Back at the Hotel, Vanessa grabs the group date card...
Ooh! Will my fate be to do some torturous activity with the other chattel or be pitted against one of my friends where we denigrate the other to win?!
They announce who's going on the group date and everyone reacts like they suddenly got a big deal to sell eye-masks on Instagram.
It's a Corinne and Taylor two-on-one!!!
Tiffany Trump offers her grand wisdom on the subject: "He's gonna choose who he wants to choose."
Raven always keeps it down-to-earth: "I think they would both fight to the death."
Plantation Group Date
Nick would be fired if he were a tour guide for this haunted plantation. He sucks at selling it.
Raise your hand if you already want to kill yourself.
Raven's got them covered on the religious ghost front: "I'm gonna rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus!"
Danielle L believes in ghosts and she also believes this will somehow make this date "a little bit more of a challenge for [her] today."
It's more of a challenge in that I'm fucking stupid.
Thankfully for this episode's sake, someone else takes over the role of tour-guide -- Boo, the creepy caretaker.
If you feel something creepily grope you, 95% chance it's a ghost. 100% you were asking for it.
He tells them the plantation house is haunted by this child ghost and to not touch shit. All the group dates are literal torture exercises. Now all these adult women have to pretend to be into ghosts, ughhhhh.
Whitney speaks her first words on the show and now we all know why they don't ever show her: "Oh my god, I'm like so freaked out right now." Are you?
Hot take, Whitney!
The group happen upon a Ouija board and Nick of his own volition suggests they play. The girls ask it life's important questions, such as who will get the group date rose and will Nick get engaged soon?
Then the lights go out. This group date is severely annoying me at this point.
They impose a fake lightning bolt on the scene.
When the guys in the editing room are just as bored as Bachelor Nation.
Next they have a scripted scene where the creepy caretaker Boo paces back and forth: "They touched the dolly! ...Why did they do that?!"
Nick as if somehow on cue: "Let’s go explore. I want two volunteers." It’s literally like he’s the host of a gameshow.
I want two volunteers from the audience to come on down! But don't worry, no one will leave tonight empty-handed... If you all open up, you'll win 2 extra Nick Dollars!
The rest of the girls discuss the upcoming two-on-one. Josephine only hopes they're both "getting into the right mindset." The two-on-one mindset? Wtf is that.
The Right Mindset is the new brand of push-up bras I'm promoting on my IG btw.
Back at the Hotel...
We see both of their preparation activities. Tiffany Trump outlines how Taylor is "too high-maintenance" while we see her enjoy a spa and a gigantic room service meal.
Tiffany Trump: "Taylor thinks she's smarter than me and I'm not mature enough to be in a relationship with Nick." Then she gurgles her tongue as human beings do.
Taylor meditates.
Corinne: "I’m people smart... Other kinds of intelligency. Is intelligency a word?
Back at the Plantation...
Nick continues to make terrible ghost jokes, including that he has an extra "woman to manage" counting the ghost... They're keeping this charade going on way too long.
Don't think of me as The Bachelor. Think of me more as your classic Woman-Manager.
Nick completely botches one of the only quotes he should know at this point. He says to his #1 Sycophant, Danielle L: "Absent makes the heart grow stronger." He could literally tell her he's killed her parents and she'd still make out with him though. Nick: "I’m worried you guys might not accept roses." Danielle L chuckles: "I don’t think that’ll ever happen."
CLEARLY WOULD NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN, OH NICK YOU'RE SO SO FUNNY!
OK now there's laser beams on the ghost eyes because nothing the fuck is happening.
Jasmine: "I thought you guys were setting me the fuck up. Now I do believe."
THIS IS THE LEVEL OF STOCKHOLM SYNDROME GOING ON.
Back at the Hotel...
Next-Bachelorette reads the two-on-one date card to Tiffany Trump and the Constable.
It says here that you two are supposed to up the ante in your drama right now but DEFINITELY don't call each other a bitch or throw a drink in each other's faces.
Tiffany Trump to Rachel: "I hope he sees, you know, my golden heart."
Idk why everyone's always calling me superficial. It's not my fault I was born with a golden heart and a platinum vagine.
Neither thinks she's going home.
Back at the Plantation...
Both Danielle M and Vanessa, who have admitted to people close to them dying in a traumatic fashion, are forced to wander around looking for ghosts. They ask the ghost their most pressing question, if they're "safe at the rose ceremony?"
Danielle M is worried she's falling behind in the romance competition.
Sometimes I worry that his dry-humping Corinne in the bouncy castle is further along than our sensual mumbling and hand caressing.
She tests out an even more sensual hand caress this time though.
Nick's clearly freezing but no one will give him a jacket because Bachelor Nation demands to see how jacked he is at all times. So he starts doing weird shit with his sleeves like an emo middle school girl.
After their special time, Danielle M says their "relationship's gone a little deeper" (OTPHJ). Raven then reveals to Nick that she fell in love with him after one date when he was singing a song from The Little Mermaid.
The moment I fell in love with you was when I saw you weren't a reaaaaal 36-year-old!
Danielle M gets the group date rose though.
Yeah Raven, you told a guy you loved him and it didn't even get you this cheesy almost-meaningless token of affection in return.
Tiffany Trump vs. The Constable
Tiffany Trump: "We just have very different minds. She's calculated and analytical. I'm more colorful."
The Calculator vs. The Coloring Book
Tiffany Trump: “Make America Corinne Again.” NOW YOU'VE CROSSED THE LINE TIFFANY.
Make me have un-seen this episode again.
A tank-topped swamp man leaps into their boat.
Nick asks them to ignore the obviously awkward situation in order to "see if we can move these relationships forward." We’re literally watching two terrible people compete for another terrible person.
Now this is a foursome I can get behind.
Constable Taylor's confessional: "I don't have a Nanny. I have a master's degree in clinical mental health counseling... He's picking between me, who has a higher level of emotional intelligence, and Corinne, who is a manipulative bitch." Tiffany Trump to all: "I love this!"
I truly believe her.
Constable Taylor: "If Nick chooses Corinne after today he's thinking with his dick."
Shouldn't your Masters have confirmed this ten times over by now?
They go into the deep bayou.
Symbols of death surround them.
Nick: "So today, we are going to really embrace our shurroundings." He says it exactly like this.
They meet a "voodoo priestess" and some other people dressed in white doing some weird shit in the forest.
She explains that voodoo dolls are misunderstood as being to harm but can be for good. Nick: "Always?" Voodoo Priestess yells at him: "NOT SAYING THAT, NICK!"
Next they meet a psychic who tells Nick to have a one-on-one with Tiffany Trump first.
I'm really getting more of a "Tattle vibe" from the blonde one so you go talk to him first.
Nick Pulls Tiffany Trump
The psychic reads Taylor's tarot cards and tells her she is "very emotional and very emotive" and to not engage the "toxic presence".
We then see warning signs from NATURE HERSELF. A bird flies away. We see an alligator bare its teeth while a monster GROWL plays.
Tiffany Trump shit-talks the Constable to Nick: "She emotionally attacked me. She basically called me stupid."
Nick is asleep: "How did that make you feel?" Tiffany Trump: "Bullied."
Nick Pulls The Constable
Tiffany Trump: "This butt doesn't belong in the swamp."
Nick to Taylor: "Obviously I just talked to Corinne. It was a bit surprising the conversation we had. Apparently she felt a bit bullied. You called her names like 'stupid.'"
Nick: "Added on by diminishing her um, sense of worth."
Um, you have heard about her golden heart, right?
Constable Taylor: "She flat-out asked me 'What is emotional intelligence?'"
I don't know what you want me to say. She IS stupid.
The psychic gives Tiffany Trump a voodoo doll, which she slowly stabs with a pin.
Constable Taylor: "All she tried to do was shit talk me... and that I called her stupid, none of which actually happened. You want to build a relationship with someone, their relationship will be built on whipped cream and lies!"
Correction: Their relationship will be built on whipped cream, lies, AND over-the-pants-HJ's.
Taylor & Corinne sit awkwardly alone...
Taylor confronts Corinne about lying about her being a bully in the most bully fashion possible.
Tiffany Trump: "I can't believe you are a mental health counselor."
Constable Taylor: "Then I have the right to question that you run a multimillion-dollar company."
Let's just get it out there that we both have fake jobs, OK?
Nick Returns
Nick gives his stump speech thanking them for being tough. He calls out even further how Taylor is not an emotional expert by saying he has more of an emotional connection with the winner of his special rose, TIFFANY TRUMP!
One of you is really good at getting in touch with my emotions. And the other gets a soft hand tap.
Nick: "I hate to say goodbye." He hugs her. She walks off.
They walk off.
She returns to the table so we can get the shot of her watching them boat away. This is great.
Tiffany Trump imitates Taylor and Sean Spicer in her confessional: "Dear diary, today I learned that Corinne is far from a fucking idiot and I feel like a pathetic loser for judging her. Period." As they boat away, Tiffany Trump clutches the rose and the voodoo doll together.
Meanwhile, back in the Swamp of Broken Dreams...
Constable Taylor decides that Tiffany Trump only got the rose because she lied. She asks the voodoo people to spin around in circles and bless her. Taylor: "I am certainly not the villain in this experience."
I really like to think of myself as more villain-adjacent?
She surprises the couple, looking like a ghost herself. TO BE CONTINUED...
TAG: Nick puts on a mask of Dolphin Alexis's great fear, Nicholas Cage, and chases her around the house. He insists on making out with her while wearing the mask and she complies because she fucking better.
Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase
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