Guys, I've been getting DEEP into LOVE ISLAND. It's a Big-Brother-style British dating show on Netflix. Do yourself a favor and go to there. Bach needs to step it up.
Back to this other huge consumer of my time and emotional energy. They're in the Maldives. Bex ponders her love choices while doing yoga and then emerges from the pool contemplatively.
MAGA MEETS BEX FAM
Bex's family has flown out and she tells them she loves both guys. Bex's blonde sister looks like Artemis from ITS ALWAYS SUNNY. MAGA demonstrates his intelligence once again, giving a speech on how Bex's Dad is looking down on him banging Bex.
MAGA explains the ex-wife and how they broke up two months later. There was a big blow out "and she never tried to work through my family with that." What would he do differently? "Lean more on my family and seek out their advice and hone in on what they are trying to tell me." Trust the Bloodline more. Jesus Christ. MAGA starts crying about Bex's Dad and his own deceased relatives.
Bex's sister tells her that MAGA cried. Bex says she's "seen that side."
MAGA re: his potential wife possession: "I'll literally go to the end of the world for them."
MAGA cries to Bex's sister, "I think she's my person." Bex starts crying. Bex's sister: "Girl, I don't know how you're going to make a decision. He is fabulous." Yup she's been a sleuthy sis. HOW ABOUT WHO DID YOU VOTE FOR TR-NEXT!! Jk I don't think any of these people vote. Have you ever liked images on Instagram claiming that the child victims of a school shooting are paid actors? I guess you don't assume you need to ask that.
BLAKE MEETS BEX FAM
Blake tells them: "I gravitate towards strong women, independent women."
Bex tells her sister Blake is similar to her. Sis: "They are very different... With Garrett he'd be a wonderful father and I love his silliness... Blake would challenge you. He would be more of a teammate." *He would treat you like an equal. @BachelorClues: "How do you fuck someone without knowing if they voted for Donald Trump???"
WTF LORD HARRISON HAS TO DO THE MOST AWKWARD AD EVER FOR CRAZY RICH ASIANS. SO FUCKING SWEATY. Weird to call attention to the fact that they never have anyone Asian on this show/they never make it past first few weeks.
Bex's family says Blake is more on her level. Then her sister says, "You are my soul mate" and they reveal they say "I love you" on the phone to each other every night. That is fucking psycho.
DOLPHIN MAGA DATE
Bex greets MAGA with a full body possession, further confirming he's the one and everything is terrible.
Bex: "This is where I'd die. With all the dolphins."
MAGA: "You my baby dolphin." He's a fucking idiot.
LATER THAT NIGHT...
MAGA spews a bunch of nonsense: "I feel like the Fourth of July. You don't give me butterflies. You give me eagles."
MAGA: "I can hear the laughter of little kids running around. I can hear her accent in my head. Asking me if I packed a lunch bag for the kids. I love the way she says "bag." I love her little quirkiness and her accent. It gets me every time."
BLAKE'S LAST STAND
They go bike riding. Bex: "He stimulates me... He's really everything I could want in a partner." She keeps saying he's great on paper. No surprise this leads to...
Bex tells him she loves someone else more.
He cries into a towel, "I'm so alone... fuck I knew it."
BACK TO THE STUDIO
Lord Harrison: "Tears flowing, as I'm sure there are all across America." Blake is playing The Bachelor card-- I want her to be happy blah blah blah. This is so boring. I don't want him to be Bach. Bach producers, please just pay one million dollars to Hot Peter.
Lord Harrison: "You have broken the internet."
LET'S GET BACK TO THE DARKNESS!!
BEX PICKS MAGA. FUCK EVERYTHING.
MAGA gives his dumb fucking speech. Bex tells him, "You were the first guy I wrote about in my journal... You reminded me of home and one of the most important men in my life, my Dad." This is my way of being with my Dad again. "I love you. I love you so much."
MAGA: "You do? Omg I love YOU so much! Rebbeca Jo Kufrin, will you marry me?"
MAGA: "Give me that finger!"
Bex: "We're engaged!" MAGA wipes his sweaty hands on his butt. Bex gives him final rose. "That's the last time I'll ever do that." MAGA: "Off the market. Sorry fellas! She's all mine."
They shimmy at each other. I knew this was going to happen but it's still super, super upsetting.
BEX AND MAGA ARE REUNITED
Lord Harrison: "Now there's tears in here for a very different reason." Because America is dead. Bex: "I don't know why I'm yelling!"
Bex looks freshly botoxed. This is dark. Welcome to the family. Lord Harrison points out how MAGA has lipstick on his face, "As long as that lipstick's [Becca's]." MAGA is a fucking idiot and doesn't get the joke: "It is!" Has he already cheated on her? Lord Harrison takes credit for helping to pay for the ring.
They point out MAGA's brother in the audience. They do their white power hand gesture to each other. Lord Harrison calls out Bex's sister. She starts crying with happiness for Bex.
Lord Harrison asks about the similarities between MAGA and Bex's Dad. Bex: "They have so many similar hobbies and interests. He found his faith in the outdoors and that's exactly how Garrett is too."
They do a new segment to try to pitch their spinoff series: "Welcome to our weekend getaway!" Bex: "We drink a lot of wine and whatever else. We have a lot of fun together."
Bex: "He snores." MAGA: "No, I purr." He's literally already said that joke on the show.
THEY ADDRESS THE INSTAGRAM LIKES SCANDAL!!
MAGA: "Some stuff came out about my social media. I didn't realize the effect behind a double tap... I didn't mean to hurt anybody's feelings." Bex: "I got to see who he is, his heart his soul." In front of cameras... vs WHO HE IS: the likes he made when he thought no one was watching.
"We'll continue to educate ourselves." Bex talks about him like he's a puppy that just pooped on the rug. MAGA: "I didn't stand behind those likes." He's literally repeating stock phrases over and over: "it's made them stronger as a couple" and they're getting better as people.
Bex: "Some terrible things are being said about him." Whoops... But are they more terrible than saying a school shooting victim is lying about their CHILD friends who have been slaughtered??? Huh Bex????
Bex: "I can only ask that people allow us to grow and learn from this." MAGA: "I can't change my past." Lord Harrison: "I appreciate you addressing that." How has he addressed it?! Fuck him. Fuck them. "The smile has not left her face." YES IT HAS. HER FACE IS STONE NOW.
Bex: "First trip Costco! Maybe go into a pet store... Dogs!... I think we might come out to California for a little bit." NO SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.
I want Lord Harrison to ask MAGA basic questions about history. He'll blow. Bex: "We found a stray cat and brought it in." MAGA brings them home sometimes. He's literally her child.
Lord Harrison: "we're sending you back to Thailand!... and I have a gift for you but it's outside." It's a fucking minivan. Oh my god. There's a baby basinet inside. CONTINUE THE BLOODLINE RIGHT NOW!!!
Has there ever been a darker end of this show? Oh wait it's always like this and I always feel like this and I'm trapped.
Go watch Love Island.
Bex travels to the dark lands of non-coastal California. Bex: "I just want to frolic through the trees with him."
MAGA calls around to the driver of the tractor: "Carlos, let's do it!" ARE THEY TROLLING US? MAGA makes his family's employee Carlos drive them on a tractor. MAGA to Bex: "Could you see yourself doing this?" Being dragged by Carlos through a field? Bex: MAGA'd "be a hot dad."
Bex: "He does remind me a bit of my dad." Uh oh. They plant flowers. Don't worry, Carlos will water those later.
MAGA describes the implosion of his relationship with his ex-wife: "It all started to change when we moved in together... She tried to take me away from my family... Our family values didn’t align." FAMILY VALUES. MAGA has a wrist tat that says Sinestu. Erika: "That’s how he remembers which hand is his left."
Bex meets MAGA's family and boy do they have a bloodline worthy of preserving! MAGA and his brother do a maybe white power hand gesture at each other. MAGA's sister pulls him first. MAGA: hanging with Bex has "been the most fun since I was a little kid and it was just family time!" What? She starts weeping. MAGA SIS: "I hated seeing someone to suck the life out of you." Is this the first sister cry?
Their whole family has a creepily close energy. MAGAMOM, the "mother bear" tells Bex she doesn't "want him going down that squirrel hole again." You know lil MAGA, always getting trapped in those squirrel holes! They sound like they’re talking about a small child.
MAGAMOM: "He has deep values and it’s hard to find. From what we hear about you you come from the same background." Wtf is this shit? Do people talk like this?? We LOVED hearing about your pure bloodline and that you come from the right sort of background. I WILL need your 23 and me test results before I can give you my blessing though.
Now MAGA gets his own parents' blessing to get engaged to Bex? Like a school field trip permission slip.
Bex is won over/tricked: "There’s just so much heart and love behind them." I DEF don't think MAGA would like memes on Instagram about throwing immigrant children back over the wall. Clear bloodlines, full hearts, can't lose!
Jason's Buffalo Hometown
They’re in Buffalo and everyone here seems super into Buffalo... Jason makes Bex enter a bro-y wing eating contest. I never realized Buffalo wings are named for this city. The crowd chants and forces them to kiss.
They’re go to a hockey rink. Jason: "You got cool hockey mom in your blood." It would be hilarious if he just nailed her with a slapshot. Jason reveals his parents met at Apple and I hope this means they are genius bar people.
Jason has his own Carlos who drives him and Bex around on his zamboni. The theme of these hometowns is annoyed middle-aged men driving the couples slowly around in circles for no reason.
Bex meets Jason's family. He tells the hilarious story of how he wiped celery on her and I feel myself aging. Jason tells his Mom "the whole time I have felt like I’m coming from behind." He thinks he's going to be the greasy underdog winner which has never happened on this show.
We meet Jason's brother and his husband! Is this a first? Jason says he's in love and they make him tell her. I'M BORED. WHERE'S GONG-DAD?!
They’re in Bailey, CO. Bex: "The feelings are reciprocated I just haven’t told him." They go to his high school ruh roh... this is always weird. He shows her his highschool football photo. Bex: "Blake makes me feel so young again." Yeah, can't put my finger on it. It's definitely not that he was psychologically frozen by various traumas in high school.
Omg the DARKNESS that comes out. Blake explains that his "senior year of high school there was a school shooting." Holy shit. A dude took six female students hostage and raped them at gunpoint and then killed one. WHY DID BLAKE TAKE BEX TO THE SITE OF THE TRAUMATIC MURDER??? Blake stares a million miles away: "You can let it affect you and let it ruin you." Yeah, you seem very unaffected by this...
But on another high school note to switch things up, Blake takes Bex into the gym where Betty Who is performing! You can tell it's an actual band because all the women don’t face Becca and Blake the whole time.
Bex meets Blake's family including stepdad Dean— is he the home wrecker? Blake's Mom is an actual muppet. She describes how Blake got dumped: "We cried together. To see that I might have to do this again is gut wrenching." Muppet Mom: "You were never going to love again!"
Blake: Yeah, but "I'm in love."
Blake talks with his stepdad who tells him to be cautious and remember his last dumping. Blake: "It was the worst-- I’ve never been lower and this would probably hurt more." Stepdad: "In reality you’re not going to be on fantasy dates." You're going to be doing press tours and making appearances on future seasons and selling face masks on Instagram. Real life stuff.
They discuss how Blake had panic attacks after his last girlfriend dumped him. Lucky for him, going on this program guarantees you won't end up humiliated and traumatized! Bex: "I can see him and his family in my life forever." Blake: "I love you Becca."
Colton takes Becca to see kids with special needs in Colorado and describes Bex as "having that motherly feel."
Colton tells her, "I haven’t brought a girl home ever... I’m very careful and selective... You don’t just get to meet my family." The internet IMMEDIATELY proved this was a lie:
They meet Colton's family. Colton: "My dad and I have a coach-player type relationship." Both his parents wear cross necklaces. Colton: well Dad, we're obviously so close that you know about the girl that I only did butt stuff with for one weekend. Dad: Did you address it? Colton: "I addressed it like a man." This is creepy.
Colton’s Dad says to Becca she should dump him if he’s not the one. Colton does more normal stuff like discussing his virginity with his mother. Colton tells Bex he loves her.
The Other BIP Ladies Return
Why are they bringing the girls in again? As an ad for BIP? Bex gets advice from the ladies. She describes Jason's family as similar to hers as "they dance and sing with their family a lot." Tia's back and she still has that stank look on her face.
Tia pulls Bex and basically says she was lying last time and she's in love with Colton and it makes her sick to know he's still here.
Colton asks Lord Harrison if he has to bone in the Fantasy Suite.
Bex sends Colton home supposedly not because of his virginity and not because of Tia. Colton reacts in a SUPER mature way: "After spending a day with kids?!" That is FUCKED to bring them into it. He's darkness. Goodbye Colton.