The trailer for Colton's upcoming season of The Bachelor has launched.
I think they got a bunch of 16-year-old girls this season because they're the only ones that want to go out a virginal bowl of milk.
The most important foreshadowing is right here though:
Guys, I've been getting DEEP into LOVE ISLAND. It's a Big-Brother-style British dating show on Netflix. Do yourself a favor and go to there. Bach needs to step it up.
Back to this other huge consumer of my time and emotional energy. They're in the Maldives. Bex ponders her love choices while doing yoga and then emerges from the pool contemplatively.
MAGA MEETS BEX FAM
Bex's family has flown out and she tells them she loves both guys. Bex's blonde sister looks like Artemis from ITS ALWAYS SUNNY. MAGA demonstrates his intelligence once again, giving a speech on how Bex's Dad is looking down on him banging Bex.
MAGA explains the ex-wife and how they broke up two months later. There was a big blow out "and she never tried to work through my family with that." What would he do differently? "Lean more on my family and seek out their advice and hone in on what they are trying to tell me." Trust the Bloodline more. Jesus Christ. MAGA starts crying about Bex's Dad and his own deceased relatives.
Bex's sister tells her that MAGA cried. Bex says she's "seen that side."
MAGA re: his potential wife possession: "I'll literally go to the end of the world for them."
MAGA cries to Bex's sister, "I think she's my person." Bex starts crying. Bex's sister: "Girl, I don't know how you're going to make a decision. He is fabulous." Yup she's been a sleuthy sis. HOW ABOUT WHO DID YOU VOTE FOR TR-NEXT!! Jk I don't think any of these people vote. Have you ever liked images on Instagram claiming that the child victims of a school shooting are paid actors? I guess you don't assume you need to ask that.
BLAKE MEETS BEX FAM
Blake tells them: "I gravitate towards strong women, independent women."
Bex tells her sister Blake is similar to her. Sis: "They are very different... With Garrett he'd be a wonderful father and I love his silliness... Blake would challenge you. He would be more of a teammate." *He would treat you like an equal. @BachelorClues: "How do you fuck someone without knowing if they voted for Donald Trump???"
WTF LORD HARRISON HAS TO DO THE MOST AWKWARD AD EVER FOR CRAZY RICH ASIANS. SO FUCKING SWEATY. Weird to call attention to the fact that they never have anyone Asian on this show/they never make it past first few weeks.
Bex's family says Blake is more on her level. Then her sister says, "You are my soul mate" and they reveal they say "I love you" on the phone to each other every night. That is fucking psycho.
DOLPHIN MAGA DATE
Bex greets MAGA with a full body possession, further confirming he's the one and everything is terrible.
Bex: "This is where I'd die. With all the dolphins."
MAGA: "You my baby dolphin." He's a fucking idiot.
LATER THAT NIGHT...
MAGA spews a bunch of nonsense: "I feel like the Fourth of July. You don't give me butterflies. You give me eagles."
MAGA: "I can hear the laughter of little kids running around. I can hear her accent in my head. Asking me if I packed a lunch bag for the kids. I love the way she says "bag." I love her little quirkiness and her accent. It gets me every time."
BLAKE'S LAST STAND
They go bike riding. Bex: "He stimulates me... He's really everything I could want in a partner." She keeps saying he's great on paper. No surprise this leads to...
Bex tells him she loves someone else more.
He cries into a towel, "I'm so alone... fuck I knew it."
BACK TO THE STUDIO
Lord Harrison: "Tears flowing, as I'm sure there are all across America." Blake is playing The Bachelor card-- I want her to be happy blah blah blah. This is so boring. I don't want him to be Bach. Bach producers, please just pay one million dollars to Hot Peter.
Lord Harrison: "You have broken the internet."
LET'S GET BACK TO THE DARKNESS!!
BEX PICKS MAGA. FUCK EVERYTHING.
MAGA gives his dumb fucking speech. Bex tells him, "You were the first guy I wrote about in my journal... You reminded me of home and one of the most important men in my life, my Dad." This is my way of being with my Dad again. "I love you. I love you so much."
MAGA: "You do? Omg I love YOU so much! Rebbeca Jo Kufrin, will you marry me?"
MAGA: "Give me that finger!"
Bex: "We're engaged!" MAGA wipes his sweaty hands on his butt. Bex gives him final rose. "That's the last time I'll ever do that." MAGA: "Off the market. Sorry fellas! She's all mine."
They shimmy at each other. I knew this was going to happen but it's still super, super upsetting.
BEX AND MAGA ARE REUNITED
Lord Harrison: "Now there's tears in here for a very different reason." Because America is dead. Bex: "I don't know why I'm yelling!"
Bex looks freshly botoxed. This is dark. Welcome to the family. Lord Harrison points out how MAGA has lipstick on his face, "As long as that lipstick's [Becca's]." MAGA is a fucking idiot and doesn't get the joke: "It is!" Has he already cheated on her? Lord Harrison takes credit for helping to pay for the ring.
They point out MAGA's brother in the audience. They do their white power hand gesture to each other. Lord Harrison calls out Bex's sister. She starts crying with happiness for Bex.
Lord Harrison asks about the similarities between MAGA and Bex's Dad. Bex: "They have so many similar hobbies and interests. He found his faith in the outdoors and that's exactly how Garrett is too."
They do a new segment to try to pitch their spinoff series: "Welcome to our weekend getaway!" Bex: "We drink a lot of wine and whatever else. We have a lot of fun together."
Bex: "He snores." MAGA: "No, I purr." He's literally already said that joke on the show.
THEY ADDRESS THE INSTAGRAM LIKES SCANDAL!!
MAGA: "Some stuff came out about my social media. I didn't realize the effect behind a double tap... I didn't mean to hurt anybody's feelings." Bex: "I got to see who he is, his heart his soul." In front of cameras... vs WHO HE IS: the likes he made when he thought no one was watching.
"We'll continue to educate ourselves." Bex talks about him like he's a puppy that just pooped on the rug. MAGA: "I didn't stand behind those likes." He's literally repeating stock phrases over and over: "it's made them stronger as a couple" and they're getting better as people.
Bex: "Some terrible things are being said about him." Whoops... But are they more terrible than saying a school shooting victim is lying about their CHILD friends who have been slaughtered??? Huh Bex????
Bex: "I can only ask that people allow us to grow and learn from this." MAGA: "I can't change my past." Lord Harrison: "I appreciate you addressing that." How has he addressed it?! Fuck him. Fuck them. "The smile has not left her face." YES IT HAS. HER FACE IS STONE NOW.
Bex: "First trip Costco! Maybe go into a pet store... Dogs!... I think we might come out to California for a little bit." NO SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.
I want Lord Harrison to ask MAGA basic questions about history. He'll blow. Bex: "We found a stray cat and brought it in." MAGA brings them home sometimes. He's literally her child.
Lord Harrison: "we're sending you back to Thailand!... and I have a gift for you but it's outside." It's a fucking minivan. Oh my god. There's a baby basinet inside. CONTINUE THE BLOODLINE RIGHT NOW!!!
Has there ever been a darker end of this show? Oh wait it's always like this and I always feel like this and I'm trapped.
Go watch Love Island.