Why is Lord Harrison bringing up Jason Mesnick and Juan Pablo?? He's promising this ep will be on par with those legendary fuck ups?! They're still in Peru. Is that why Eerie screws up-- the high altitude?! Eerie lies on a bed and narrates how he feels about both of the women. LB IS CASUALLY WRITING IN HER DIARY WHILE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE.
LB meets Eerie's Parents
This is deeply, deeply uncomfortable. Eerie is so drawn to Lauren Bland's Glimpses and he tries to convince his parents and Bachelor Nation of their existence.
LB starts crying talking to Eerie’s Mom. LB: “I’m not used to talking about feelings.”
We get some sweet Jesus imagery. LATER THAT DAY… The family has changed outfits...
Becca meets Eerie’s family
She’s carrying a ton of gifts Beauty and the Beast style.
Eerie’s Dad asks Becca about her friendship with Lauren. Becca diplomatically says she doesn’t like LB: “It was easier to get to know [the other women.]” Eerie's Dad TO Becca: "Both are very nice. Either way I’m fine with it." WTF?! I’ve never seen this before. Yes, women are interchangeable accessories. Eerie’s Dad: "You’re a little bit more busy."
Becca: "She is a huge threat to me. His whole family brought up that they met Lauren yesterday. It makes me want to puke thinking about them together. I hate talking about Lauren." I also have a stomach ache I am so nervous watching this. Eerie baby voice: “I love you so much. Bye!”
Eerie’s Mom: “I think Becca would be better for your future. I think you have to reassure Lauren all the time about your love. And Becca can stand on her own.”
The entire group is all brunette men and blonde women. Someone says "there’s a choice that’ll better fit your lifestyle" as if she's a jaunty suit.
Eerie: "[Becca's] someone I could rally behind... It makes more sense with Becca. But with Lauren there’s this undeniable love there." Eerie’s Dad picks Becca also: "You sometimes need a bit of a kick in the ass."
Back at the Studio...
Caroline comes on to defend her WTA allegations. Caroline: "What he did to both of them is not fair... I don’t think he knows what he wants." Lord Harrison: “Arie is in a very bad place right now.” You’re definitely not in a good place if you’re talking to Jason Mesnick for advice...
Lauren Bland's Final Date
LB didn’t sleep. They’re going on a train to Machu Picchu. They reminisce. They met before in Dallas? Eerie: "Along the way there were always these glimpses of her I saw. And I was like there she is!"
I have the shoes Eerie’s wearing and I consider burning them. LB: "I love that!" She’s fully made the Eerie transition. Now she just needs the grays, the Mom fetish, and her outfits to start getting much more embarrassing.
Eerie: "I keep talking myself out of Lauren." Eerie says the most condescending shit to her: "I think about if I didn’t give you those two dates in a row..."
LB once again claims she’s psychic and knows what he's thinking all the time.
Eerie asks her to paint a picture of their future lives together. LB answers this like she’s a robot that has Google statsed what humans like: "So, like, right now if we were to go home I could see us, like, waking up and having coffee in the morning and taking [our dogs] for a walk together. And then we'd go to work, come home, make dinner together, have a glass of wine, and then maybe on the weekends take the dogs to the park or hang out with family, hang out with friends. Just do normal couple stuff."
LB: "I don’t think Arie would have let me tell him all those things if he knew he was picking Becca." Lol.
Becca's Last Date
They pet some alpaca and have a grass fight.
Later that Night...
Becca asks if he has any questions for her. Eerie: "I keep going back and forth on a couple things…" It's really a toss up... He tells her that his sister brought up a good point on her side to assuage her fears though. Becca gives Eerie a photo album of pictures of them.
LB fake sips tea. Eerie looks at a terrible view of roofs with an EMPTY COFFEE CUP!!!!
Now Becca writes in her diary.
Eerie: "I can finally realize who I see growing old with," Luyendyk said. "It feels so good to have that clarity. I couldn't have pictured a better woman for me... [the other's] not going to see this coming." NO SHIT EERIE YOU TOLD BOTH YOU WERE SUPER DUPER IN LOVE WITH BOTH OF THEM.
Eerie Dumps LB
They make LB traverse a carpet that has been spray-painted by a PA to give off Peru vibes? Then traverse down a mountain in heels between loose alpacas.
Eerie’s giving her a breakup hug. EERIE SHAKES HIS HEAD. LB IS SO CONFUSED.
Eerie: "I didn’t know fully until this morning. I was in love with her, I was in love with you. I’m sorry to put you through this."
LB: "I still love you." Eerie: "I love you too." Eerie puts LB in the limo. Eerie: "I feel like a monster right now. All I really wanted to tell Lauren was I love you. But I’m saying goodbye."
LB: "I feel completely betrayed. He just completely blindsided me. I let my guard down and let someone in and it still didn’t work out. I whole-heartedly believed that he was going to be the one. I was wrong... He said he’s in love with me and he’s in love with her and had no idea what he was going to do until this morning. Does that not terrify him? How could you get down on one knee if you weren’t sure until three hours ago? I really do think he made a mistake."
THEY CUT TO LORD HARRISON’S FUCKING FACE LOOKING FAKE SAD.
Eerie Proposes to Becca
Eerie looks like he’s vomiting while professing his love to Becca. EERIE GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE. Eerie: "I choose you today. And I choose you everyday! Becca will you marry me?"
Eerie: "When are we going to start having babies?" The last rose snaps in half ominously.
Back in the Studio...
Lord Harrison: "Is this the end of the story? It sure doesn’t feel like it... What happened after that final day in Peru?" We see some cutesey home videos of their time together after the show.
Eerie: "I go to bed and I think about Lauren and I wake up and I think about Lauren... (Becca) knows that I think about Lauren. I told Becca I would choose her every day and I know I made that commitment and it kills me that I'm going back on that, but I have to follow my heart... With Becca I feel an immense amount of guilt. It’s not fair for her to be in a relationship who is half in."
Eerie: "I decided to call off the engagement." At this point Becca doesn’t know this? "I know this isn’t going to be a popular decision. I’m doing this because I love Lauren."
The Longest Dump
The audience boos Eerie. Lord Harrison "This is raw and real." THEY FUCKING FILM EERIE ENDING THEIR ENGAGEMENT. We see split screen of both sides of the conversation so we don't miss a second of her abject human misery.
Eerie tells Becca that "the more I hang out with you the more I felt like I was maybe losing the possibility of reconciling things with Lauren." HANG OUT. Jesus Christ.
Becca: "Do you want to get back with her?" Eerie: "I want to see if there’s a possibility." Becca: "Are you fucking kidding me? Was this when you had that conversation with her?"
Becca takes her ring off. Eerie: "I know that you’re an incredible woman... I didn’t really let you know to the extent." Becca: "Well, clearly."
Becca: "Well I hope you find what you want. It’s clearly not me. OK I’m done... I’m not gonna like hug you goodbye." Eerie repeatedly refuses to leave. It’s like a fucked up play. They wander around the house.
The entire room is shouting "GO!" at the TV. Eerie is trying to be the good guy and get her to publicly redeem him. Becca: "Don’t touch me." I want her to blow up but she keeps it classy.
Lord Harrison: "We’re not done yet… To say this is blowing up social media and trending right now is an understatement." Lord Harrison re-teases "the most unedited scene in reality TV history."
Becca: "I feel like my future was ripped away. Like I love you. I want you to be happy but it’s not me." Eerie is completely unfeeling like a sociopath in all of this: "I know talking to you in person and in this way feels cruel. I just want you to move forward.”
Did they pay him to do this??? He’s picking his finger nails. Erika: "He’s just waiting for his Uber." Becca takes off her mic and leaves room. Slams door. I assume this dance goes on indefinitely.
WE CUT TO BECCA IN PRESENT TIME...
Becca: "Brutal." Lord Harrison: "Have you heard from him after that?" Becca: “Nothing… I feel betrayed a lot of the time because I feel like I was lied to for so long.” Lord Harrison: "We will all see it. Tomorrow night." FOR TWO MORE HOURS? COME. ON.
They're painting Eerie to be this evil dude, and granted, he is. But the show and ABC are COMPLETELY COMPLICIT in the gross spectacle we just watched. That being said, I WILL watch this show until it's cancelled or Trump gets us all killed.
Everyone dragging Eerie is MY fantasy ending for this boring season of watching a dickturd date a bunch of quality women half his age though. See y'all for Becca's redemption.
They go to Peru. Eerie is so old he can barely summon the energy to do this gesture. Eerie: “We’re finally here. In Peru!”
EERIE IS NATHAN FIELDER!!!! How did I not realize this before?
Imagine thinking you’re going on this show getting Hot Peter and getting Eerie. Eerie tells us there’s more to Peru than Machu Picchu. Could they not swing Machu Picchu funds?
Taxidermist's Fantasy Suite
This dude drives them over the sand in a dune buggy so that they don't crash like the RHOC ladies. Eerie completely phoning it in: "dune buggies are like a relationship, you know, there's ups and downs." They DO crash and get stuck on a sand mountain. Eerie and Taxidermist abandon the driver to deal with that. Eerie keeps eating the whole time Taxidermist tells him about her emotions. Kendall: “I don’t want Arie to date me just because I’m quirky.” V not into her self-awareness about how she's so "interesting."
Later at drinks…
Taxidermist tells Eerie she's “falling in love.” Eerie is so disgusting when he uses his baby voice during Pillow Time: “You’re so beautiful.” They bang.
The next morning…
Eerie: “This is what I learned about you last night. Is how you take your eggs.”
Eerie: “How are you feeling? Emotionally not just physically.” Get it? He fucked her? They have Pillow Time by the ocean.
LB's Fantasy Suite
LB puts on makeup while fife music plays. LB: “We’ll have a lot to talk about.” They literally never have anything to talk about. They have them fly in a helicopter over dope geoglyphs so it's so loud and you don't notice they're the most boring couple of all time.
LB tells Eerie about her fears. Eerie’s fucking baby voice again: “Yeah.” SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME PLEASE COUNT THE AMOUNT OF TIMES HE SAYS YEAH THIS EP.
LB: "I don’t know how you can do this but I need to feel like the only girl that you see." Eerie's only response is a dopey smile.
LB is so uninteresting it’s almost comes out the other side as interesting again. Eerie tries to reassure her that at the end of this, "I will have exhausted all those other relationships." And by "exhausted" of course I mean stuck my key in all of those other ignitions to completion first.
LB seems really nervous. EERIE TELLS LB HE LOVES HER. HE SAYS IT AGAIN. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE'S DONE THIS PRE-FUCKING THREE WOMEN!!! Unlovable Ben is the only other person to say "I love you" to two women but at least he waited until they were final two. Eerie pulls out the fantasy suite card from under a plate. He’s hid it???? They go fuck.
The next morning...
A rooster wakes up the boring white people. Eerie continuously does his baby voice: "I love you!!!" EERI'ES FUCKING OUTFIT!!! Eerie: "It’s going to get a little harder before it gets easier."
Becca's Fantasy Suite
They go in a boat. This date is so much better than those sand activities Taxidermist had to do. Becca: “I never thought I’d be on a catamaran with my boyfriend.”
Eerie: "How are you with distance?" They talk about moving to Scottsdale. My worst fucking nightmare is hanging with Eerie and his Mom and his lame car friends at the racetrack in Scottsdale. Their fantasy suite is a tiny tent in the desert? That SUCKS. LB had an en-suite hot tub but you get to share a freezing twin bed and shit in the sand.
Becca: "Can I live here now?" What? Why? Eerie tells Becca his three biggest fears. No love, unrequited love, and wrong choice love. Becca tells Eerie she loves him.
Eerie: “No I’m not falling I am… I love you.” They all think they’ve won when he tells them this. That’s why this is manipulating them into fucking.
The Next Morning...
Someone's Ex who can get it is here! Ex says he's so committed: "I’d climb every one of those sand dunes." It would be hilarious if this was Arie’s ex. It’s Becca’s ex though. Really coincidental timing he shows up in Peru right after Becca's fucked Eerie! He meets with Eerie first for some reason. He tells Eerie this is his "proposal to give her."
Eerie: "Do you think this is more the competition side of things?... We’re pretty far down the road."
Ex doesn't care: "Imma go get her." Eerie: "Fucking nerd." HAHA. "It’s a huge step from we broke up a year ago to I’m going to propose... It’s taking away from something pretty beautiful right now." Ex knocks on Becca's door.
Becca: “How did you know I’m here?” Becca asks for permission from the producers for them to sit on the stairs. Ex declares his love and tries to make her remember all their beautiful times in San Diego. Becca: "You live your life in a movie. You think it’s going to work out like the Notebook."
Becca rejects him. Ugh. Becca and Eerie chat… Eerie: "There has to be some part of him that thought this gesture would work." It's worked on me. Ex for new Bachelor.
There’s a horse for culture. Eerie for sure fucked all three of them. LB: "I’m going to throw up." Correct.
Eerie pulls Taxidermist and sends her home. It would be funny if she had to go to the airport in the same car as Becca’s Ex. I love when Eerie has to talk to both of them at the same time.