By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 6 (Air Date: 2/11/19)
We're back where we left off with Nicole and Snorkler Onyeka screaming at each other over bullying or some shit. Dolton watches like a golden retriever on the wall and then HAS HAD ENOUGH. He takes himself on a walk down the beach, into the darkness. He paces back and forth but there's not a fucking wall in sight.
Nicole crosses herself. Chad: "Praying to Lord Harrison."
Kirpa's injuries remain unaddressed. Roses for Kirpa, Phlebotemist Tayshia, Demi, Katie, Ex-Dancer Sydney, and Kiss Virgin. Snorkler Onyeka finally goes home. Also Nicole. Onyeka: "If I'm going to get rejected at least it's to Not-Nicole." Not-Not-Nicole's crying.
The Next Day...
Dolton emerges shirtless from the ocean, nature's shower. Oh no, another selfie testimonial: "I'm in Vietnam just finishing up my run. This week is about clarity." Just doing my usual routine: finishing up a shirtless run, swimming in the ocean alone, and then filming myself narrating my day ahead of me.
The women say OMG at the hotel pond. They say OMG at the pool. They say OMG at the hotel room. They say OMG at the balcony. They then scream, "Good Morning Vietnam!" off the balcony. Someone: "Only two weeks til hometowns!" There's still a lot of players. Calm down. Content Hannah gets the first One-on-One. The others are pissed. She gives an acceptance speech: "I did not expect this." I did not expect this. I'd like to thank my manager for getting me on the show, my 30,000 Russian bots that I bought to follow me on IG...
Content Hannah One-on-One
Dolton and Content Hannah get facials and then they get wrapped in some green shit. Dolton: "We look like a sushi roll. There's no one I'd rather get rolled up with."
They come up for air to make out in a mud tub. Now they make out in a shower.
Back at the Hotel...
Cassie and Miss NC discuss how they want everyone to get kicked off on their one-on-ones.
Back on Content Hannah's Date...
Dolton: "What was your favorite part of today?" Content Hannah: "Showering." Now she gets deep: Before this process... "I haven't been able to focus on myself." Too busy producing content. She uses an Offensive Walls strategy, aka her parents divorce: "I have a memory and it's so lame. So my Dad loves his yard... I just remember the moment of my Mom driving through the yard to pack up all her stuff... It tore me up. I realized that like we weren't a family anymore."
Dolton relates because his parents divorced. He apparently never asked his parents why though?? They kiss. Dolton: "You reminded me of home... With me you have a place to laugh, and also a shoulder to cry on, and also a person who's going to be there for you." If you win. He hands her rose. Content Hannah: "I am falling in love with him." Dolton: "I love that she was able to be so open and vulnerable with me... I can picture Hannah being my wife... I definitely can say that I'm falling in love with Hannah."
Back at the Hotel...
Group date's announced and Kirpa gets One-on-One. Those who haven't gotten solo time with Dolty realize their time is very short. Ex-Dancer Sydney, who quit her job to come: "I feel disappointed in myself... I could've done better." She's crying. Demi's also crying. Demi: "I can't keep doing this. This is my sixth group date."
Fighting Group Date
The ladies are in full makeup and workout gear, ready for today's fresh hell. They see Dolton get attacked by a series of small fighters. I love that to be the Bachelor you have to fucking learn stunts now.
They've changed Kiss Virgin's chyron to "Has Been Kissed". Great, she got a promotion! Dolton: "We're learning the ancient art of" something that sounds like vulva. Dolton: "I'm ready to get after it." They play a gong noise as he karate chops the camera. Nothing about this is not offensive. Hama: "I woke up this morning as Hannah Beast." Stop trying to make Hannah Beast happen, Hama.
Now they have to physically fight each other, your classic step in forming any long-lasting relationship. Demi: "It wouldn't be a group date if someone wasn't bleeding and crying by the end of it."
Lord Harrison judges with the host of Bachelor Vietnam. When Kiss Virgin fights Ex-Dancer Sydney, she screams the entire time. Someone: "It sounded like birthing sounds."
Demi and Katie start beating the shit out of each other for real. Dolton looks nervously to the side. During the Stanford Prisoner Experiment he would've been like errrr guess I gotta keep shocking you?? So sorry about this!
Someone gets hurt, whaaaaa?!?! It's Demi. She's such a pro. Dolton gets permission from the producers to step up and be the hero: "I want this to be fun and enjoyable for everybody... I've seen enough... Now we have an afterparty to get to." I've seen enough for WHAT exactly??
Group Date Afterparty
Dolton pulls Phlebotemist Tayshia first. How's the harem life treating you? In a great use of Defensive Walls (when you sense you're at the bottom of the stack), she reveals: "It's kind of scaring me." Dolton: "Every time I'm around you I just want to know more... I've never dated this many people. But our one-on-ones. I'd kill for them every single day." But I gotta be honest, if we were rolled up like sushi I'd only want to be with Content Hannah. They make out.
Katie's feeling the pressure. I don't know who she is so she probably should be. She also brings up her Defensive Walls to Dolton. Katie: "It's hard for me to show my emotions... Sometimes it's hard for me to show when I'm super happy... I'm really monotone." She cries, "I wouldn't want to go home with you thinking I didn't try." Dolton: "This is what I like to see." You crying. Dolton sounds like a fucking terrible motivational speaker: "Hey this is me love me or hate me. Once you do it it gives you a new perspective." They just hug. Katie: "All it takes is one off night [to go home]. I don't want to say that but thats the truth."
Dolton has Hama on his lap. Dolton: "You were having a blast with it." Hama: "I kickbox at home... Do you feel good about me?" Dolton: Yeah!" Hama: "I want you to see what you would get at the end of this. I'm kind of weird. Sometimes cute and sexy but not all the time." She's kind of a nerd.
Meanwhile, Ex-Dancer Sydney is losing it and calls the other Players "shiny objects" to Phlebotemist. They watch Hama showing Dolton how to use a stick and express frustration at shiny object Hama getting roses. Ex-Dancer Sydney to Dolton: "Last night I got really upset... Is there a reason you're not putting me on a one-on-one?" Dolton: "I'm still figuring out how every relationship is different... I want to try."
Dolton sits down with Demi after she literally got punched in the face. Dolton: "Your nose looks fabulous right now." Demi: "I'm actually really sensitive... I wanted to know if you'd call [my Mom] with me. I haven't heard her voice outside of 'this is a federal prison'." They call her Mom in an advanced PTC move, Emotional Entrapment. Demi: "getting to talk to my Mom and sharing the first moment with her with Colton since she's been out. It's something I can treasure forever."
Now there's a commerical for "Isnt It Romantic" with Tia?? It pains my soul that Tia got in a fucking commercial. Back to the Game and Ex-Dancer Sydney's still complaining. She's really fun. She grabs Dolton again. Dolton: "I dont have it figured out." Ex-Dancer Sydney: "You're taking a lot of easier choices with the people you're pursuing... I want something real and I want something magical." I want something real and I want something magical. That's fucking hilarious.
Ex-Dancer: "Because of that, I am going to go home today." Dolton: "As much as this upsets me"... [it doesn't upset me]. Ex-Dancer waves by at the other Players as Dolton walks her out. Dolton: "I know how much you've given up to be here and I'm sorry." Ex-Dancer: "Don't be distracted by shiny things."
Dolton goes back to the women: "I just said goodbye to Sydney. She decided she wanted to leave... It made me think about how much more I can give to you all." Now you're so lucky and get .07% more of my attention! Phlebotemist Tayshia gets the rose.
WHEN'S HE GOING TO JUMP THE FUCKING WALL??
Dolton: "There's still some people who aren't ready to be engaged and that terrifies me." Erika: What do you think you're going to get when you assemble a group of 23-year-olds?
Kirpa runs down the beach into Doltons arms. Dolton apologizes for dumping her friend Ex-Dancer. Kirpa: "I respect what she did." Dolton: "I'm continuously surprised by you. I like a little mystery and I like a little surprise." They go on a boat. They put on snorkels. Onyeka is dying somewhere. They stab sea urchins? Surprise! Then they eat them?? Dolton: "I'm hoping tonight Kirpa and I can push our relationship and see where it can go."
Later at Dinner...
Dolton: "She's been a slow and steady burn." She's going home next week.
Dolton asks Kirpa about her previous engagement. "Kirpa: We were together for eight years... he was saving himself for marriage. We were staying stagnant... it was rough... I don't want to just get engaged again unless I know its going to be the right person." Dolton: "I just want to straight up ask you. Can you see yourself if the feelings are there getting engaged at the end of this?" Kirpa: "Yeah." Dolton: "You have this calm confidence that bleeds into our relationship." You have confidence bleeding out of your whatever. She gets the rose. He's so people-pleaser I can see him having a hard time dumping people on one-on-ones.
Back at the Hotel...
Dirpa returns with rose while Demi prepares for a Knock Knock: "Hopefully after tonight Colton won't be a virgin anymore." PLEASE. Chad: Demi is engineering her own story. She's playing the game within the game of course.
Demi's Knock Knock
Demi calls Colton "Coco." He pours her wine. Demi says she's checking in and then: "I never thought that it would be this real for me... And like. I now feel like I am falling in love with you." Coco looks uncomfortable. Emotional Leveling Up TOO EARLY DEMI!! Dolton: "I can't put you through a rose ceremony." NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COCO HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME????
Demi looks twelve walking away. Erika: she liked a comment I made on her Instagram. Me: what comment? Erika: Tiny Legend.
Tiny Legend goes back to the hotel and cries to the Hannahs. Hama hugs her while Content Hannah strokes her back.
She leaves. The Hannahs clutch each other.
Lord Harrison brings on the drama: "There's eight of you here all on one couch. There won't be a cocktail party."
Katie: "I'm praying our last conversation was enough. It'll have to be enough."
Roses for Hama, Miss NC, Speech Pathologist Reality Star Cassie, and Kiss Virgin Heather. Goodbye Katie. It wasn't enough.
Katie to Dolton: "I knew there was a disconnect by your body language." Dolton: "I thought there was more to get out of you that I couldn't get." Katie: "I'm sorry." She's apologizing and making him feel better for dumping her. Katie: "You know who's ready in there. There's some that aren't. Just be smart about those girls." KAMIKAZE KATIE!!!! Or a bomb you drop after you're already dead. Dolton screaming after her: GIVE ME NAMES!!!
Dolton: "I thought Sydney was talking about Demi... Am I fucking missing something?" He goes back to the Players, now a very agitated golden retriever: "She's now the third person to leave me saying there's still some people who aren't ready for this and that's absolutely fucking terrifying for me. I'm gonna have to get answers."
Phlebotemist: "He wants someone to spill the tea." THEN, to someone in front of everyone, Phlebotemist: "Lets take this thing. It's us two. It's us at the end." WHAT???
SCENES: HE'S WEARING THE WALL-JUMP-COAT FINALLY!!
TAG: Demi shows Dolton some trinkets from prison. This is why she went home.
By: Lizzy Pace
Episode 5 (Air Date: 2/04/17)
They're in Lak Thailand. I like that all our establishing shots are Dolton in the shower now. This time he showers in public on a beach. Kiss Virgin Heather reminds us she's never kissed anyone. Does anyone believe her? The players break down who they think are the front runners.
Kiss Virgin One-on-One
Kiss Virgin may have never touched lips but she's definitely watched this show as she starts the date by jumping into Dolton's arms. They have an awkward conversation clutching hands, then ride in a boat. Dolton caresses her thigh ass area. But no kissing!
Back at the hotel...
Alaskan Cougar Elyse is going through some shit. Elyse: "I had the world's most perfect date... to see other people so excited... I feel heartbroken." We see a montage of her ONE DATE WITH DOLTON. Elyse: It's like "something that you read in a romance novel." She ponders the ocean.
Back on the date...
Kiss Virgin and Virgin Dolty go to a floating city and continue to act like the whitest possible couple. Dolton: "Look at these little shaps!" He holds a shell to Kiss Virgin's ear. Kiss Virgin: "Oh the sound of hope!" WHAT AM I WATCHING??
They see monkeys. Dolton: "Do you blow kisses? Ok good." We can just do that. They zoom in on Dolton's lips. She's going to work her way up the food chain. She doesn't want to have to ask for the special kiss though: "I really hate talking about things that are going on... I think it will be body language."
Dolton: "These rocks. The greenery. It's nice. Pretty special." Flashing back to when he reflected on rock formations. What scenery CAN'T he describe? Dolton: "This is what I want out of my relationship... you can throw yourself into a culture." She repeats everything he says.
Back at the house...
The group date card comes. Everyone pretends to be happy their name is called, which is one of my favorite terrible things on this show. Elyse's voiceover sounds like she's narrating a Jane Austen novel. Producers know she's having a hard time so they save her name for last. Speech Pathologist Cassie gets the One-on-One though. Cassie was apparently on some other reality tv series just before the Bachelor that was with her ex-boyfriend. The show has been airing concurrently with The Bachelor... V Sus.
Back on the date...
Dolton tries to figure out what's wrong with Kiss Virgin, asking her about her dating history: "I wanna hear more about that." So like, let's go to that witholding kisses until you're in your mid-twenties and go on the Bachelor thing? I wanna hear more about that.
Kiss Virgin describes her ex: "He had everything I wanted on paper... We went out kind of lightly... I lasted eight months, longer than I should have..." She keeps saying she lightly went out with people and just had a touch of a boyfriend. Dolton: "He didnât try to kiss you?" Kiss Virgin doesn't really offer an explanation of what dating is when you don't touch but Dolton gives her rose: "I hope that we can make other first experiences together."
They walk to a fire on the beach. It sounds like a war is breaking out but producers have shot off fireworks to try to force this first kiss. DO IT! GIVE US THE SHOT! Dolton obliges. Kiss Virgin: "I have kissed a boy!" A boy???
Dolton: "I'm on a high." Chad: "I found the one girl that I can teach things to sexually."
Back at the house... Kiss Virgin comes back with a rose and wet lips. Someone: "Heather you little daredevil." Elyse has dressed up super fancy to pretend to be happy for her.
Elyse's Knock Knock
Elyse storms out and goes on a Great Walk. Elyse: This "made me doubt everything and doubt what I was feeling and doubt myself... Our one-on-one was one of the best days of my life. I felt such a high. I want to feel that kind of joy forever." She knocks on Dolton's door: "Can I steal you for a minute?" She's the first Knock Knock.
Elyse: "It's literally freaking crushing me... the opportunity to be stupidly happy... I don't know how to compete with other women." She says it would be easier if he said he had stronger connections with others. Dolton does prayer hands: "I don't give up on relationships." Elyse: "I can't. I literally can't accept a proposal after a few months of sharing your time and attention."
Dolton: "You're leaving?" Elyse: "I have to... I can't promise I will get there... These girls talk about how much they're falling in love with you. This isn't working for me... I have to leave. I just hate freaking saying it. I can't accept a proposal in a few weeks." She leaves crying. Interesting self-respect strategy. She's coming off like the only one with real feelings for Dolty. Elyse: "I think I just made a stupid mistake... I'm leaving disgusted with myself and heartbroken."
Dolton just now realizes that he doesn't get to just pick a wife, that they have to consent. Dolton: "I've had people give up on me in the past... that's my worst nightmare is getting to the end of his and not being enough."
The Next Day..
Dolty makes another dumb confessional video: "Today is the morning after my one-on-one with heather and my breakup with Elyse... waking up today I feel like a mixed bag of emotions. It's tough because I had such a good day yesterday... there's still a chance I get hurt at end of this.. I'm afraid to get told that Iâm not enough again... 'It's not you, it's me.' When you hear that a couple times..."
Miss NC Caelynn is extremely aware of how many players are left in the game: "Now it's 10 of us."
The players go somewhere that is only referred to as "the jungles of Thailand." Dolton says theyâre not on a trail but theyâre clearly on a trail. They find a man the jungle. Jungle Joe: "I was raised here in the jungle... I will teach you to not only survive but thrive." Jungle Joe hacks a tree. Dolton: "Yep that's water!" HOW COULD ELYSE HAVE LEFT THIS GEM?!?!
Hama will eat literally anything to progress in this game. Hama: "The most ferocious animal in the jungle is Hannah Beast." Jungle Joe shoves actual shit in her face. Now Dolton and Hama eat worms. Dolton reveals that he lied and threw it in the jungle. This is like the Locker Room Lies all over again.
The players all grab weird animals and bugs. Dolton: "These women are getting after it." And by it I mean bugs. Not my dick. Dolton, however, runs away from a series of animals and gets after fucking nothing.
Jungle Joe tells them they have to divide into teams and find food and water. Content Hannah: "We probably won't survive but we'll have fun doing it."
They remove creatures from their natural environments. Someone falls in the river. Demi: "I like to think outside the box." She brings her group to a bar?
Phlebotemist Tayshia is in Colton's group and sends her other team members off so she can make out with Dolton. The other women watch though and are annoyed.
Demi's Bar Team brings burgers and booze back to Jungle Joe.
She feeds Dolton a burger. They lose but no one actually wins anything.
Group Date Cocktails
Nicole seems drunk. Dolton walks Phlebotemist down a beach and thanks her for accosting him in the jungle earlier in front of her friends.
Dolton to Hama: "You looked like you were straight up jungle magazine... who I would want if there were a zombie apocalypse." Hama now utilizes a key strategy of being the first one to reveal she's reached a New Love Level: "I was totally in my element... I am falling in love with you." WE GOT A FIRST FALLER. I bet he gives Group Date Rose to Hama. A trophy for her early use of Love Levels.
Content Hannah can't believe how few women are left and says: "We're high five range" because she can reach across the couch to everyone. Per usual, loving this content.
Apparently Elyse dropped a time bomb before she left by telling Onkeya that "Nicole just wants to get out of Miami" and is not here for Right Reasons. I don't recognize Onyeka at first because she's not screaming. She tattles to Dolton: Nicole is "looking for an opportunity to leave Miami." Dolton struggles then grabs Nicole. Nicole's response to him: "Nooo..."
Phlebotemist says that Elyse misrepresented what Nicole said. Nicole comes back to Onyeka: "I don't understand why you're spreading rumors to Colton." Phlebotemist takes Nicole to the bar to cool off.
I love how Onyeka is holding a martini in all her confessional shots. He gives rose to Hama. I'm amazing.
Speech Pathologist Cassie One-on-One
They make out in a beach and Dolton holds her butt. It's gross. I feel like the word virginity jumps out of his every fiber.
Now they make out in water. They shoot this sequence like a soft core porn. We learn nothing about either of them.
Later at Drinks...
Dolton gives her the Trophy of seeing his hotel room: "You know this is my place, right?" I don't do this for just any contestant. He cheerses her AND WINKS: "To the start of something very very special... You're special." YOU'RE SPECIAL.
Cassie reveals: "Everything about my personal life is exposed... For me it's not being [a virgin]. Which is hard... [My family] might judge me for it." That's why I decided to do both dating reality shows at once, get it all out at once! Dolton: "With me you're not going to be judged." As long as you believe in Jesus. Their fingers fuck. She gets rose.
Back at the Hotel...
Did Kirpa fall? She has an unaddressed bandage on her chin.
Back on the Date...
Dolton and Cassie get in his bed and dry hump. Dolton: "Normally don't let ladies in my bed on the first date. That just shows how comfortable we are... I'm crazy about you." Cassie: "I don't want to come back to reality." Dolton wonders if he's being too slutty, but "my gut, my heart is telling me to just go on."
ARE WE STILL NOT GONNA ADDRESS WHAT HAS BEFALLEN KIRPA???
Someone: "Hopefully he can focus on relationships and not get involved in any drama." WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS SHOW IS??
Phlebotemist Tayshia brings Dolton to the beach to light a wish lantern. Kiss Virgin: "that's painfully cute."
Demi gives him trust rings. It's like a promise ring but you can make out with 15 other women. Kirpa finally flosses Dolton.
Nicole throws Onyeka under the bus to Dolton: "I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want an Instagram husband... I'm looking for a partner in life... Onyeka has been bullying me. She spread a rumor that I'm emotionally unstable." Dolton: "I obviously don't want to hear that anyone is bullying." It's still unclear to me who is lying but I'm guessing it's Nicole.
Dolton confronts Onyeka: "She says you're a bully and you called her mentally unstable."
Dolton says for the 100 millionth time: "I pride myself on trusting my gut." Onyeka's confessional: "Nicole's literally a psycho."
Onyeka confronts Nicole: "You are a liar Nicole!" Colton's talking to someone else and they hear the women yelling at each other. He abandons Katie. As soon as Nicole realizes Dolton's approaching she fixes her hair. WTF DOLTON JUST SITS THERE AND OBSERVES THEM FIGHTING??
Demi: "Man I really wanna be a fly on the wall now."
Why did he walk over there?? They continue to fight while he does fuck all. Nicole: "I'm an easy target. You ran out of your bells and whistles." Dolton storms off after listening. Nicole: "Colton!" They both try to grab him. Dolton: "I just need time real quick."
We get our first TO BE CONTINUED. THIS ISN'T EVEN THE WALL JUMP THO. Ugh.
Tag: Ex-Dancer Sydney asks Dolton to "whack my weeds." I...